Merry Christmas!

I got to help be Santa Claus for the first time since my youngest sister stopped believing. :-)

I'm staying at my sister's tonight, and she has 3 children: 7, 4 (almost 5), and 1 week. My camera batteries are charging as we speak.

I hope all of you have a wonderful day, spent in whichever fashion you prefer.

so...

I started to write something else here. It was even up for about an hour until I edited it. Nothing bad, just had some second thoughts after checking on some pertinent definitions.

Who knew that "dork" is slang for penis?!

I may have my moments of social awkwardness but I don't think I qualify as a dork after all. :-)

holiday arrivals

For the 1st time in about 5 years or so, I'm really enjoying December. Not just Christmas itself (which I generally always enjoy), but the whole month. Well, except for the whole cold weather bit, but hey that's my fault for choosing to live where I do. ;-)

Today was a particularly good day. I had fun with some friends after work, eating pizza at a great local place on campus and then driving around after to look at Christmas lights. The goal was to find the tackiest displays possible, and we certainly found some. I was in the back seat of the minivan with the one friend's 2 y/o son, and when he started getting cranky, I helped amuse him by singing Christmas songs. He loves Little Drummer Boy and Jingle Bells in particular.

When I got home, it was to a surprise package from another friend. She sent a box of items from her program along with some stuff that she made specially for me related to my running. It was very sweet and unexpected. I can't wait to make the soup and dip and the candle smells absolutely lovely.

But the best parts of today were long-awaited arrivals for my family. Today, my brother-in-law Mark arrived home from his deployment to Kuwait with the National Guard. He was overseas only for 9 months, but was in TX for 3 months before that, so other than short leave in mid-summer, he's been gone for a year. My sister is letting all calls go to voice mail so the two of them and their children can enjoy being together without interruption.

Also today, my newest niece was born to one of my other sisters via scheduled c-section. Hooray for Norah! We did not know until today whether she would be a boy or a girl, and the anticipation was fun. I was antsy all morning until I finally got the call from my mom. I've already seen photos and can't wait to cuddle her. Since Mark's unit is based in the same town where Norah was born, he and my sister planned to stop by the hospital before heading home so they could meet her.

I won't get to see Mark or Norah until Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, since that is when I next will be in my hometown, but that's ok. Knowing that both of them are here, safe and sound, is the best gift of all this year. The lights, the presents, the music are all wonderful and fun, but in the end they are not really what is important. Friends and family are.

Holiday Meme

I've received this as an email and also saw Melissa post it on her blog. I'll follow her lead. :) If you want to play along, copy the questions onto your blog, post the answers, and leave a comment here so I know to go read yours.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? I prefer wrapping paper except when it is a weirdly shaped package.
   
2. Real tree or Artificial? Grew up with real, but only do artificial now.
   
3. When do you put up the tree? If I put one up, usually on the Sunday after Thanksgiving. The past two years, I only put up a tiny 12" tree. This year, I haven't done anything yet.
   
4. When do you take the tree down? I'm really lazy about putting it away. Ideally by Jan 6. I've had the little one up as late as March before, however.
   
5. Do you like eggnog? As a child I did but not really anymore.
   
6. Favorite gift received as a child? As a young child, probably Barbie stuff. As a 6th grader, my cassette walkman. I could finally tune out my little sisters. ;-)
   
7. Hardest person to buy for? My sister-in-law Margo
   
8. Easiest person to buy for? the nieces and nephews
9. Do you have a nativity scene? I have close to 30 by now. I collect folk art nativities. I usually set up 5-10 each year. My favorite is an African one, carved wood figures from Kenya.
   
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? I don't think I've remembered to send cards the past 2 years. But I mail them when I do.
    
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I honestly can't think of anything for this category
    
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? November or early December
    
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? No
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? those darn cookies
16. Lights on the tree? White mini lights for my big tree, colored ball shaped ones for the mini tree.
    
17. Favorite Christmas song? religious- O Holy Night, secular- that John Lennon one with the kids
    
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? travel to my parents, it would be pretty lonely here by myself.
    
19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer? Yes but only by singing that bit at the beginning of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
    
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Angel on the big tree, a snowflake on the mini one.
    
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? With the family, it is Christmas Day. With friends, it is when we exchange them.
    
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Christmas decorations and music in the stores before Thanksgiving
    
23. Favorite ornament theme or color? no theme. I prefer an eclectic look.
    
24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? it's all good...
    
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? to be happy (stealing M's idea)
    

guess you never really know a person

Yesterday, while at work, I learned a bit of news about a former co-worker that completely shocked me. He was arrested over the holiday weekend and charged with a crime that even now I can scarcely believe. It made the local news and will continue to draw interest and publicity due to the nature of the case.

He and I always got along well. He started a few weeks after I did, so we basically trained together. We ate lunch together regularly, kept up on each other's lives, and I occasionally did social things with him and his wife. He changed jobs a few years ago, but we still would meet every once in awhile for lunch and share office gossip (we still worked for the same employer, just in different departments). I last saw him in September and life seemed to be going well for him.

Never in a million years would I ever have imagined him getting caught up in something like this. From what is being said, it sounds like there is very strong evidence against him and the other people involved. If the allegations turn out to be true, he has just ruined his life. I feel so badly for his wife. She must be in a living hell right now.

You know, I always believed the "innocent until proven guilty" ideal was to protect the rights of the accused. This week, I could believe it also serves as a buffer for the family and friends of the accused, to give them time to get used to the idea that the accused might not be who they thought he or she was.

a good lesson for me

Every so often, I spend an evening wandering through the blogosphere. I usually start on one of the blogs I regularly (or not-so-regularly) read and when I'm done there, I click on one of the links in their blog roll and start my sojourn. I learn all sorts of interesting things when I do this.

Yesterday, I found out about a toaster that will toast an image of Darth Vader into your bread, available in January.

Today, I found the blog Pregnant Drug-Dealing Prostitutes, after cruising over there from Stuff White People Do. The blog's name obviously caught my eye. Here is what the two authors have to say about the content of their blog:

We talk about many topics on here; namely race, discrimination, racism, culture, poverty, education, feminism (whatever that is these days), fatness, fashion, entertainment and sexuality and are happy you’ve come to join us in discussion. (more...)

These are all topics that interest me (well, except maybe fashion and entertainment), not so much because I have any special knowledge of them, but rather because I know I need to know more. Over the years, I have taken way too many things for granted as a well-educated, white woman. I am trying to be more mindful of that fact, which in part is why I am drawn to women's studies courses. Such courses typically explore all forms of oppression, not just sexism.

Anyway, PDDP's most recent article is "Pretty Fat, Pretty Small, Pretty All". For any of you who, like me, have ever hated something (or everything) about your body, read that post. The author may be young enough to be my student, but today she was my teacher.

A little humor to start your week...

I have only recently discovered the fun that is failblog.org and in scrolling through some past entries, I found this one. It was too good not to repost here for your amusement.


see more pwn and owned pictures



And then I saw this one and had to add it to this post too...


see more pwn and owned pictures

thanks

I really appreciate all the comments in my prior entry.

Although my sister will be happy to hear that she is now older than me. She may feel like she's still 16, but I feel like I'm stuck at 12 or 13. LOL!

Everytime I think I have my shit figured out...

it turns out I really don't. Maybe I'm no different than anyone else, but it f'ing pisses me off.

I'm an auntie again!

My youngest sister had a baby on Saturday, Nov 1. Her 2nd child, 1st son. His name is Joshua Jason (no word yet on whether J.J. will be an acceptable nickname). I'll get to meet him this weekend and I can't wait. :-)

it's too darned early

for snow.

Stupid-snow-flurries-before-Halloween-even-freakin'-gets-here.

At least it wasn't anything I had to shovel, not like my brother had a few days ago when he had to brush 1.5" off his car in Nebraska.

random fall thoughts

We had our first frost this week. It reminded me I need to get a fall jacket for these in-between days. I refuse to wear my wool coat just yet. Also, scraping the windows before driving to work is such a pain.

The leaves are changing but the colors are on the dull side this year. I heard someone speculate that the windstorm last month is the cause, that a lot of trees went straight to brown this year. Perhaps. We also had a dry summer and early fall, that could be it too.

Fall is the best time of year for running, I think. I had an awesome race this past weekend. I am now the happy owner of a new PR (personal record) in the half-marathon. I also had a fun time with my friends.

Work is insanely busy, as always during the fall. I made some serious headway today on one of my tasks that has been getting backed up for weeks. I'm glad, it helped me feel a tad less stressed. My workgroup is currently understaffed, but my supervisor said that once we are back up to full-strength (hopefully in the next 4-6 weeks), he is going to cut my roster of students by nearly 1/2 because of all the other stuff that I do for the department as a whole. I hadn't expected that, but it is very much appreciated. I like working with students, but something needs to give a little.

I am very glad I dropped that class I planned to take. I have my eye on a possible class for next quarter, though it might be harder to personally justify taking "The Science of Brewing" than a course that could help me get into a grad program. I actually don't have to explain the courses that I take, but I would have to adjust my schedule as it cuts into my workday. Is it worth giving up my lunch hour or staying late twice a week? Maybe if I thought of it as professional development for a future possible 3rd career as a brewmaster...

Cultural Diplomacy

This afternoon while walking across the Oval, I saw an interesting sight. The Oval was actually pretty quiet for a nice fall afternoon, perhaps because it was cloudy. In one of the major intersections of walkways, I saw a group of about 15 people. As I got closer, I noticed that it was primarily a group of Asian visitors in business attire, many using cameras and video cameras.

In the middle of the group, two American college boys were showing two of the visitors how to play hackey sack.

shorter days

I love October. As a whole, it's my favorite month of the year. During the day, the skies are blue but it's not too hot. The leaves change colors and crunch under your feet. It's great running weather too, especially on Saturdays when I run in daylight without getting overheated.

I do notice the shorter days, though. It is now dark not only while I run in the morning on weekdays, but often still dark by the time I leave for work if I get out the door a bit early. It's dark when I leave the hospital after my volunteer shift on Tuesdays. Some days, work is busy enough that I don't get outside until the end of the day. Soon enough, it'll be dark then too.

When I noticed the darkness last night when I left the hospital, it kind of bummed me out a bit. I'm not ready for winter, but it's coming ready or not.

But then I saw the downtown skyline and was reminded how pretty it can be lit up at night. I don't live close to downtown, so I don't usually see this except on Tuesdays from October to April. I meant to post this last night, but forgot until a friend's blog reminded me.




(this is not my photo, and is taken from the other side of downtown from where I was, but you get the idea)

Cooking 101

I really like to cook.

Oh, I can be lured by convenience food as much as anyone, especially lately. But there is something really satisfying about pulling ingredients out of the cupboard or refrigerator and combining them into a new whole.

I have had 3 primary cooking teachers in my life. First was my mom. From her, I learned how to read recipes and measure ingredients properly. She also taught me how to make a basic cream sauce and some other fundamentals of cooking. Those fundamentals have given me the base to do everything else.

My Grandma Sophie taught me some favorite recipes, including sausage gravy and biscuits. Seriously, I think mine is better than Bob Evan's. I loved to watch her bake. My sister Becky learned her method of making apple pie, and then put her own touches on it to make it her own. Pastry scares me, but I learned how to make her fudge icing and homemade chocolate pudding pie. I just use a store bought or graham cracker crust. ;-)

My dad did most of the daily cooking when I was growing up. Mom did the big holiday meals. From him, I learned how to experiment. He is known for claiming that something is Secret Recipe #7344. Oftentimes, he just made creative use of pantry staples, and some of those recipes are family favorites today.

Mom, Dad, and Grandma allowed us kids to watch and to help. We layered the lasagne and mixed the meatloaf mixture. We stirred the cream sauce so it wouldn't scald while Mom worked on something else. Grandma let us make cinnamon cookies out of the scraps of pastry dough, and we helped slice the apples. Mom and Dad also trusted us in the kitchen fairly early. I know I was making my own grilled cheese and fried eggs on the stove by the time I was 7 or 8, and baking cookies on my own by age 10. The main rule was that we had to clean up our mess, a rule we broke often.

As an adult, I have created some of my own recipes out of my head. Kale with apples and onions and Kris' pasta with fungus sauce are two of them. I also am fond of adapting recipes that I find in cookbooks. Thus, I have my famous black bean soup recipe. Tonight, I adapted a recipe I found on the internet and created a new tasty dish that will provide me lunches for the next week.

I remember teaching my niece Karolyn how to make homemade pancakes when she was 12 and staying overnight at my place. My other nieces and nephews like to help too, so I have had them help me make cookies or candy. I don't have children of my own, but I do my best to help pass on the cooking tradition in our family.

caramel corn

I made some today. It is yummy. It's a good thing that it is going with me to a movie night tonight so that I can make other people help me eat it. :)

The Unicorn Song

A favorite song from my childhood, written by Shel Silverstein. This version is sung by the Irish Rovers and "illustrated" by some random YouTube contributor.

my runniversary

Three years ago today, I took my first baby steps to becoming a runner. 60 seconds of running alternated with 90 seconds of walking, for 20 min total not including a warm-up and cool-down walk.

Those who have known me for a long time know what a big deal that was back then.

Since that time, I have officially run 1671.4 miles, but the real total would be more as there are a number of runs during that time where I measured only by time and not distance. The real total probably tops 1700 miles. For reference, Boston to Key West is 1657 miles.

change in plans

Autumn is the busiest time of year at my job. Probably the same is true for any university employee, but particularly so for the academic advisors who have to guide the new first-year students, teach the required "intro to college class", and also see the returning students who want to plan out the entire year. From just before the start of classes (i.e. this week) until at least after Thanksgiving if not finals week in December, it is a non-stop express.

I had plans to take a class this autumn. Last autumn, I took a fun class about science fiction literature. I loved the course. And I swore I'd never take an autumn class again. It was just too much. In the evenings when I wanted to relax, I had to keep up on my reading and assignments, which really were not too much for a literature course. Plus, with the class taking out part of my workday, I lost time that I could be doing my work and thus either skipped lunches or stayed late to get everything done. The craziness even affected my training for the Philadelphia half-marathon, I was too tired in the evenings after work to get in my weekday runs.

But then I got this idea in my head that I might want to apply to our MA program in women's studies. I talked with a professor in the program about it, and she looked over my undergrad and graduate transcripts and suggested I take this class to help me get stronger in theory. I also knew that I needed this class to help me answer one key question: do I like this subject enough to want to do a graduate degree in it? So in May, I signed up for the class with an eye to apply by Dec 31 for autumn 2009 admission.

Since that time, several things happened to make me rethink that strategy. In my office, the advisors are grouped into teams who are responsible for a specific set of majors. Due to people leaving and not yet being replaced, my team is currently down 3 people and soon possibly a 4th. Did I mention how crazy last autumn was when I tried to take a class? Yeah, we were at full staff at that time.

I also started thinking about the why of my interest in graduate work. So far, my best reason is why not? Which is really not a reason at all. I do not need another masters degree. I am not particularly interested in pursuing a Ph.D. I like my women's studies courses, but I can take them without working toward a degree, if only at the undergraduate level. So I had already started thinking that I would not apply to the program for 2009, but take the year to decide if I want to do it for real and figure out better reasons why if I do. And if I find those reasons and decide to go for it, I would apply for 2010.

I still did not want to quite give up on the class without a bit more information, even though I no longer needed to take it this autumn (I can take it in spring instead) and despite knowing that my quarter is going to be crazy. I e-mailed the professor to see if she would be willing to send me a draft of her syllabus before classes start this week. I received it on Thursday. Just as I suspected, it was going to be a lot of work, much more than my class last autumn. Lots of reading, a major paper, three exams, etc.

The deciding factor? The exams are take-home, where she emails the questions on Saturday and you turn them in on Monday. The first exam is the same weekend that I will be running my next half-marathon and having fun in general with friends in Grand Rapids, MI.

I dropped my class and will take it in the spring instead.

a SPY!!

I just found a teeny spider had built a web on my kitchen counter in front of my toaster oven. It was not there yesterday. The conspirators clearly found out about my earlier blog post and sent this one in for a little reconnaissance work.

Spiders. They're everywhere, I tell ya!

The Great Spider Conspiracy

I do not like spiders.

I would not classify my dislike as a phobia, it's not as intense as that. If I see them outside, I leave them alone. If I see them in my house, but they are quietly hanging out in some quiet corner somewhere, I leave them alone. But if they are crawling anywhere near me, or are in my bedroom anywhere, they die. I am not that humane.

The summer after my sophomore year of college, I sublet my brother's apartment so I could keep my college job and take a class instead of going home for the summer. He was doing summer stock theatre and lived on-site at the theatre so it worked out for him too, since my parents paid the rent and I paid the electric, gas, and phone bills. His apartment was a ground floor apartment whereby the eye-level windows were grass-level outside. That summer, these huge garden spiders kept getting into the apartment. They were light brown with black markings, and their primary color was the exact same color as the carpet in the apartment. I could only see them when they were moving. Ugh. More than once, I caught one creeping up on me, but a little spider spray around the windows seemed to keep them at bay so I did not have to kill so many. For the record, my brother swears he never saw a single spider in the 3-4 years he lived there.

Fast forward to 2006. September.

Three times that month, I found 1-2 cm sized jet-black spiders crawling on my dashboard. While I was driving. Twice while I was at highway speeds. I am surprised that I did not crash my car into someone else as a result of my violent startle response. Fortunately, all 3 times, I was able to remove my shoe and smush said spider.

By the 3rd instance, it got to be almost funny except for, well, the spider part. So I told my coworkers and friends that it was a spider conspiracy against me. One of my coworkers, now retired, played a joke on me. She snuck into my office one night and taped a little paper decoration on my computer monitor, which is a line of spiders. She also put a plastic spider ring of the kind you might get while trick-or-treating in my keyboard. I still have them both, the ring hanging from a pushpin on my bulletin board and the border taped to my monitor, edges curling over now.

This week, while driving to work, I noticed something.

There has been another spider in my car. It spun a web against my windshield a few days ago. The silk strands are delicate and not too densely packed together. But it spreads out across nearly the whole thing, and I see it mocking me when the sunlight catches it. I keep forgetting to wipe it away when I get out of the car, and I can't reach it easily from my seat. I have yet to see the architect of this little monument.

But I am sure it is all part of the Great Spider Conspiracy against me.

A different ring story

A few weeks ago, I wrote about my new ring. A few minutes ago, I read a post on a friend's blog about an antique piece of furniture and how it came into her hands. It reminded me that I have another ring story to tell.

I was named after my great-grandmother Rose, as Rose is my middle name. Rose was my mom's maternal grandmother. She was the 1st of what is now 5 generations of college-educated women in my family. She earned a BFA in music from Ohio Normal University, now Ohio Northern University in Ada, Ohio. I have her music cabinet and some of her old music books, including one that she inscribed with "Rose T. S------, Ada, O. O.N.U. 1905."

Grandma Rose married much later than was common at the time. I cannot find the date that she and Grandpa Archie were married, but I know she did not have my grandmother until she was 36 years old and my great-uncle two years later. Guess I am not the first "old maid" of the family. ;-) When she died, my grandmother inherited her engagement ring.

At some point during my early childhood, my grandmother gave my mom that ring, on the condition that it eventually be given to me, as I was (at the time) my great-grandmother's only namesake. When I was little, my mom would sometimes allow me to try on the ring but I knew it was not a toy and that it would be a long time before I would get it. I always assumed it would come to me upon my mom's own passing, and I am clearly interested in that event being delayed as long as possible.

When I gained all my weight over the years, the ring gradually did not fit me any longer. My mom once had it resized from a size 5 to it's present approximate size 6 but there was not enough metal to resize it any larger beyond that. I could barely fit it on my pinky finger, and for a long time, I thought it would be something that I would eventually simply keep in my jewelry box but never be able to wear.

And then I started losing weight. At some point along the way, I think when I had lost about 100 lbs, my mom told me that once the ring fit me, she would give it to me.

Wow.

It was a weird thought at first, actually. As I said, I had always figured I'd get it after my mom died. I wasn't sure I was ready for the ring, in part because my parents are already in their 60's and so it reminded me that my parents are not immortal. Most of my grandparents and great-grandparents lived into their 80's and even 90's so chances are that I have my parents around for a lot longer. But you never know. My sister's best friend lost her mom the other day in a car accident.

Anyway, another year or so passed. One of my goals for losing weight was to be able to get into this plaid ballgown that belongs to my sister. On the day that I was able to put on that dress, we took photos. Mom had me put on some of her jewelry, including that ring.

It fit as perfectly as the dress did.

I gave the dress back to my sister when we were done. But my mom gave me the ring for keeps that day. It is the oldest piece of jewelry I own, and the one with the most meaning. I tend to save it for special occasions, but occasionally wear it just to work or out with friends. I usually put it on my right hand now, especially if I am going out. It is an engagement ring, after all, and I won't want any cute men thinking that it means I'm taken. ;-)

Here I am with the plaid dress and ring, worn that time on the left hand.

another rainbow

I saw this one this morning as I drove to Panera for a bagel and coffee. This is the 4th time since April that I have seen a rainbow. I blogged about 2 of the other occasions, and one was while I drove home from Madison on Memorial Day.

I once (several years ago) saw 7 separate rainbows form and fade as I drove home, traveling south, storms moving off to my east, and the sun setting in the west. The whole thing lasted about 45 minutes. Obviously opportunities like that are very rare. Normally I might see 2 or 3 in a year.

Rainbows have been granted symbolic meaning by various cultures over the years. When I started poking around, it interested me that so many varied cultures have seen the rainbow as some sort of connection between the human and the divine/God/gods/heaven. It is also a symbol of promise and hope.

I do not really believe in omens or signs. Rainbows are just cool optical phenomena that are beautiful and fleeting. So I would not say that I think there is some sort of divine message I am to take from seeing all these rainbows, despite their unusual frequency in my life in recent months.

All the same, I am glad that I have seen them. They make me smile.

happier thoughts

I have a cute new haircut that everyone likes, including me. I smiled a lot today. :-)

Tuesday thoughts

I was driving home this evening and started cruising the radio stations and happened upon Delilah on one of the stations. Delilah annoys the crap out of me, has for years. Partly it is the tone of her voice, which to me sounds patronizing. Still, plenty of people like calling into her show and requesting love songs for the people in their lives. I left it on the dial as I drove, trying to figure out why she bugged me so much. After all, many of the songs are ones that I enjoy if I hear them at other times. I grew up in the era of the 80's power ballads after all.

It occurred to me that hearing several songs like that in a row reminded me of junior high and high school dances. I do not remember those fondly at all. I could go over in gory detail about the many rejections that I faced and how alone I felt in those crowded rooms, but suffice to say that I disliked them enough that I went to 2 total dances in 4 years of high school. Once my freshman year, and then my senior prom. Both were awful experiences.

Wedding receptions to me are much the same as those dances. I at least am more likely to dance the fast stuff now, so I am not a total wall-flower, but when the smoochy romantic stuff comes on, I walk off the dance floor. I've never had a date to take with me to a wedding, and opportunities with other guys just don't seem to come up.

Basically, the Delilah show subconsciously reminds me of some of the occasions where I have felt most unwanted in a romantic sense. Geez, no wonder it aggravates me!

I long ago decided that if I ever get married, I will not have dancing at my wedding reception. There is something to be said for creating newer and happier associations with dancing, but honestly, the most fun I ever had at a wedding was my brother's. He had a beach party, where we all got into our swimsuits and just had no-pressure fun. I had already decided by then that I wanted a non-traditional reception, and his just cemented that resolve.

Zoo party, anyone? :-D

The Ring Story

This past weekend, I visited with friends in Indiana. On Friday afternoon, my friend Betsy and I went to a jewelry store so I could spend a $100 gift card that I won at a fundraising event for her amazing and awesome program (seriously, check out the S.O.S. website).

This jewelry store is not your typical jewelry store such as you would find in the mall. For one thing, you have to be buzzed in the door. They carry designer lines and very little runs for under $200, but my goal was to spend no more than $50-60 of my own money. I tried on some necklaces and rings and looked at earrings as well. I prefer silver to gold, as it looks better on my skin.

This ring was fun and different, as were similarly designed necklaces and bracelets, but out of my price range. I also looked at earrings that were similar to this, but all the ones on display were gold not silver.

I ended up with this ring. I love its shape and it actually cost just under $100, so there was no outlay of my own funds. Score!



The ring is a size 6. It is too big for both my ring fingers. It does not fit over the knuckle on the middle finger on my right hand, but it fits on the middle finger of my left hand. I like how it looks there, and so I will not to get it resized.

The salesman who helped me estimated he'd need to reduce it by 1/4 size for the ring to fit my left hand. On my right hand, I bet that it would need to be reduced by a full 1/2 since it fits more loosely on that hand.

I wear a size 5 and 3/4 ring.

It boggles my mind when I really think about it. My high school class ring is a size 9. I have rings that are size 10 (and maybe one size 11) that I bought at my highest weight. A size 6 would barely have fit my pinky in those days.

I still occasionally look in the mirror and see a fat (unattractive) person staring back at me. My size perception is very skewed, and I often have a hard time believing that a certain item of clothing will fit when I look at it. Still, every once in awhile something like this happens that reminds me that I really have changed physically at least.

Still working on the mental gunk though.

Pre-season NFL Football

I will admit, I am a Cleveland Browns fan. Perhaps I have some sort of inherent masochism to always be a Cleveland sports fan, since all of the professional sports teams will take us *this* close to a championship. And then, of course, blow it. That's when they are good. The bad years tend to outnumber the good years, at least during my lifetime they have.

Tonight the Browns are playing the Jets. I'm thrilled that football is beginning again, it is my favorite spectator sport. I love college football more, simply because of the atmosphere surrounding the games, but really I don't discriminate when it comes to football.

So I am enjoying myself.

Except that for pre-season, I have to listen to Bernie Kosar as the color commentator for the games. GAH! It's like listening to fingernails on a blackboard.

I miss the Muppets

Does anyone else miss the Muppet Show? That was one of my favorite shows while growing up. I have Season One on DVD, need to get Seasons Two and Three now.

Here are a couple fun videos.




That one is a new creation from the Muppet people, so here is truly a classic Muppet Show video. This is from the very first regular episode. When my niece and nephew watched Season One, they remembered this one as their very favorite.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Instead of birthday cake, last night I made myself 3 mini-sized peach crisps to use up a couple peaches that needed to be eaten. I had to eat one while it was still warm, but the others are for today. One was my post-run breakfast, the other will be dessert after supper.

To my mom

Dear Mom,

As I have started running in the mornings before work, I have to get up at around 5:30 or so just for a short 2-3 mile run. So this morning, I was about 1 mile into my run at 6:10 a.m., the exact moment I turned 35 years old.

Sorry for making you get up so damn early back on this date in 1973. I know how much you would have rather slept in a little. I know I was wishing I had done the same. ;-)

Love,
Kris

Flowers

I received these as part of my birthday present from my friend. Aren't they beautiful? I do not expect to receive flowers from others, so my birthday present was a wonderful surprise. They may only last a few days, but I will remember them with a smile for a long time. What better present could you ask for?

Most people associate receiving flowers as something that happens in a romantic context, but I do not. Probably that is because I have never actually received flowers as part of a date. Prior to yesterday, I can recall only a few times when I received flowers from others, none of which had a romantic context either.

I think flowers are good for lots of occasions anyway, not just romantic events. In fact, several times a year, I will buy myself flowers because I enjoy them. After all, who says I have to wait for someone to give them to me?

This does make me think, though. I should start sending/giving flowers to people for no particular reason, other than to make them happy.

Sunday thoughts

Everyone feels like this in high school. I hate that I still feel like it in my mid-30's.

(I'm not overly fond of the song in the musical-sense, but it fits my mood today.)

I have a new toy

Well, for $150 (on sale), it's more than just a toy.

Garmin Forerunner 205

I am now truly a running geek. Granted, I didn't spend even more $ for the 305 or 405 models which include a heart-rate monitor, but still... I will now be wearing a freakin' GPS unit on my wrist when I run. I can use it to track where I've been or even find my way home, though it won't have that funny feminine computer voice that my grandpa's beloved car GPS unit does. I have a good sense of direction, though, so mostly I will use it to track my route and get an accurate idea of my pace and mileage.

I have road-tested it on walks around the neighborhood yesterday and today. Tomorrow a.m. will be my first time using it for a run.

words have meaning

I should be working on an assignment for my class. Instead, I've been reading blogs and such. I found an article called Sleeping Around Craigslist. I had not realized that Craigslist had personals ads, so for amusement sake, I decided to check it out. I have no intention of posting an ad or responding to any, I have given up again on internet dating. But the article piqued my curiosity so I had to check it out.

I found this ad from some 27 y/o here in town.

**Blind man seeking a butterface**

Handsome blind man seeking a butterface. Why butterface? Because I'm a realist. Must have sexy voice, good skin, and pleasant smell as my other senses are extra sensitive. If mountain climbing, bike ridding or hunting is your thing, we might not be an ideal match. I enjoy live music, and I'm not a big fan of silent movies. Please reply with a pic. Thanks.

It made me wonder... if he really is blind, why the f*** does he need a photo? Hence my initial amusement.

That is when I decided to look up just what the heck butterface meant. What the hell?!

I guess I should not be surprised that such a demeaning term even exists. It's the same mindset that calls men's tank-style undershirts "wifebeaters". The first time I heard that term, it was used by the 17 y/o grandson of my then-administrative assistant. He did not get why it angered me, nor why I insisted that he not use the term around me.

With respect to butterface, it does not surprise me that there is no male equivalent. Men's bodies are not generally objectified in the same way that women's are, to the extent that the woman's mind and heart don't matter. This word basically lays that sexist attitude all out, and says directly what had previously just been strongly implied: that the only thing of value to a woman is below the neck anyway.

It always draws attention when one partner in a relationship is deemed as significantly more attractive than the other. What gets me is that no matter which way it goes, the woman loses out. If it is a homely man-beautiful woman pairing, the man receives all sorts of praise for his "accomplishment". The woman is assumed to be a gold-digger because the only reason she could want to be with him is his money, right? On the flip-side, if it is a handsome man-plain woman pairing, people assume that the woman is very generous with her sexual favors (again, lucky guy!), because otherwise how would she land such a good-looking guy.

Ugh.

I suppose I could throw out words like patriarchy and such as a way to explain how this sort of crap exists but that's not me. I may be feminist and taking women's studies classes, but I kinda skipped a few steps along the way and just don't have that vocabulary down yet (though I suppose I'd better start building it if I do decide to go back to grad school).

But please. Think about the words you use.

little things

Yes, the little things amuse and delight me.

rainbow!

I can now see a rainbow out my window!

I hear thunder

A little thunderstorm popped up literally about 2 miles east of me. It is dry here, but I can hear the thunder.

I like thunderstorms. :-)

quiet neighborhoods

I went out for a run earlier this evening in the subdivision just down the road from me. As I started to turn back for home, circumstances required that I walk the rest of the way or else something very embarrassing would happen. Runners will understand. :-)

Still, it was a lovely evening. The sun was setting but at 8:30 there was still plenty of light. It was not too hot or humid, but warm enough to be outside in summer clothes.

I loved nights like this as a kid. My siblings and the neighborhood kids and I would stay out as late as our parents would allow, playing games like Freeze Tag, Wolf Wolf, Ghost in the Graveyard, Hide-and-Seek, and other group games. We also made up our own, such as pretending that cars coming down our street were monsters and that we had to be absolutely still until it passed or it would find us.

Needless to say, we made a lot of noise. :-) "Curfew" was set by the streetlights. When the streetlights came on, we had to be back in our own yard, but often we were still allowed to stay outside and catch lightning bugs. We hated being sent to bed before it was totally dark. Two of my sisters now live in that neighborhood with their children, and it is much the same with them as it was with us growing up.

As I was walking through the nearby neighborhood, then, something seemed amiss. It finally dawned on me that it was too quiet. I know children live around there, I have seen some of them on walks with parents. I can see play areas in the backyards through the fences. On that whole run and walk, I saw exactly one child this evening and he was taking out the trash.

I started thinking about why that might be. Were the kids too caught up in TV and video games to want to play outside anymore? Were parents too afraid to let children out to play unsupervised, for fear of abduction? Was there some sort of anti-play/anti-noise sentiment in the subdivision (after all, this is the type of neighboorhood that has civic association meetings)?

I decided that the real answer was probably some combination of all of the above plus other things I hadn't considered. Regardless, the effect was that the neighborhood was just way too quiet for a nice summer evening.

And that made me a little sad.

lazy weekend

I've spent the weekend just kicking back and not doing a whole lot of anything productive. I mean, I ran yesterday morning but that is the only thing that has moved me out of my apartment so far with the exception of taking the trash to the dumpster. I may take a walk later today, as the weather is simply gorgeous.

I did some work for my class that I am taking, so I have been productive. Also, I've added a few blog entries as you may have noticed. :-)

I've spent a lot of time just reading through other blogs. I read through an entire series of posts by a woman named Kristy on her blog. I like her writing style, she is a good story-teller. As a result of reading this blog, I learned about BlogHer, a site for women bloggers. I am thinking of joining, and giving my blog some wider exposure.

I also found this particular post by a different blogger. Wow. I really like his analogy, and I think I am guilty of doing the same thing. It is something for me to think about.

I love viewing people's musings about their lives. Perhaps it is a bit voyeuristic, but for as open-minded as I try to be, I know that I live in a fairly narrow world. I also know that in some respects, I have much less "life experience" than many people my age. I like to think that by reading blogs, I get a window into a world I may someday know. Sometimes it may be one that I hope to never have to experience. Either way, I think it helps me keep my eyes open to the fact that everyone's experience with life is very different, but no less valid than anyone else's experiences.

new look

I got bored with that old, all pink/rose template. So I'm trying this for awhile.

reading

Lately, I had heard multiple references to two authors, who write about spiritual journeys and ways to live more authentically. Given the high praise I'd read regarding both, I thought I would give them each a try. I am, after all, on something of a personal journey myself to try and become a better me.

Eckhart Tolle recently published A New Earth. Last week, I had about an hour or so at a bookstore while waiting to meet with a friend. I picked up a copy of the book and sat down with it. I wanted to get a feel for his message before buying it. After about 50-60 pages, I put it back on the shelf. I personally found his style to be rather pedantic and somewhat arrogant, and it got in the way of what he was trying to say.

The other author is Pema Chodron, a Buddhist nun and spiritual teacher. I found a copy of an older book of hers, When Things Fall Apart, at Half-Price Books. As with Eckhart Tolle's book, I sat down to read a little before deciding whether to buy it. I did. I am about 1/3 of the way through it, and I will need to go back to reread it again after I finish, to really get a grasp of what she is saying. Buddhist teaching is rather different from Catholicism, after all. I really like her style. She comes across as an older friend who is sharing a delightful secret. I would like to get some more of her books.

I may blog about some of the stuff I'm reading in Pema Chodron's book in the future.

MS 150 ride

I just talked to my friend Nick a little while ago. He was on his lunch break after riding his bicycle for several hours already this morning. You see, every year for the past several years, he has joined a team of cyclists who bike 150 miles across two days to raise money for the National Multiple Sclerosis Society.

My family fortunately has not had anyone with multiple sclerosis, but I knew several people in my hometown who did. Mrs. K., my 4th grade teacher and one of my favorites, has only been able to get around via motorized cart for the past 15 years or so. Another Mrs. K., my 9th grade health and phys ed teacher, also has it. The mom of a high school classmate was diagnosed when my classmate was a baby, and was told that she would not live to see her daughter grow up. Fortunately, the doctors were wrong. Two of my college friends had fathers who were disabled by the disease. G's dad could not even travel to his wedding due to the MS.

My friend Melissa's sister also has it. Her sister is a widow with two young children. Nick rides for everyone with the disease, but particularly for her.

Multiple Sclerosis is a tricky disease. It is progressive, meaning that it gets worse over time, and there is no cure. It can go into remission, but also can eventually lead to disability and death. The National MS Society supports research and advocacy efforts to raise awareness and hopefully someday discover a cure.

Nick is on his bike working his legs as we speak. If you would like to hear more from him about last year's ride, see some photos, and learn why he does this, go here. If you wish to make a donation toward his fundraising efforts, you can do so on that page.

So much for...

the $2.99 panty sale at Victoria's Secret.

I hated VS for the longest time. I once had a memorable conversation with my friend Jacob. We had just finished shopping at a mall in Austin, Texas and were on the way to his car when I spied a woman carrying a distinctive pink bag. I forget which of us actually started the conversation, but I commented that I did not like VS because they did carried such a limited range of bra sizes, despite having ads that focused on big cleavage. He tentatively said "so what is your size?" Heh. Boys. I raised my eyebrow at him and he went on to explain that an ex-girlfriend had the same complaint. I said, "OK, well they only go up to about a 38D and I'm bigger than that". He wasn't my boyfriend, he wasn't getting any more detail than that. (For that matter, dear readers, neither are you.)

I weighed approximately 250 pounds at that time, and later gained even more weight. Bras were both expensive and hard to find, particularly cute/sexy ones. Same for panties. Apparently the fashion industry thinks that all full-figured women want to wear that fugly granny underwear and industrial-strength-white-or-black-only bras. It certainly can be hard to find anything else.

Later, as I started losing weight, I swore I would never buy anything from Victoria's Secret as a matter of principle. It was sort of a solidarity thing with my other amply endowed friends and family. Gradually, though, I stopped caring so much.

Which brings me to the $2.99 panty sale.

This past weekend, I went shopping with 2 sisters and 2 friends. While I was not bra shopping, 3 of them swore by VS panties and how comfortable they are. They like how they feel sexy in them, the men in their lives like how they look in them, etc.

So I caved. I want to feel sexy and attractive to men after all. I bought 4 pairs, basing my size choice on what my one sister wears as she and I wear the same size pants, etc. I chose a variety of fabrics and styles. Yes, I even got a thong.

Uh yeah.

While these things might be OK for someone with hips like I have, they are not made for any woman who does not have a relatively flat stomach. Which I do not, nor will I ever have it without surgical intervention. Not only are they not flattering, they are not particularly comfortable. Even getting the next size up (a good idea in retrospect) would not really solve either of those problems.

So much for feeling sexy because of some cute new panties. I'll have to look for other means of finding that spark in myself. At least I did not pay full price to find out that Victoria's Secret stuff ain't all that.

And at least none of the pairs were in my favorite leopard print. My disappointment would have been total. ;-)

my favorite human

Joe is my favorite human being this week. Read this to find out why.

I hope that I will always follow his example and step up to the plate whenever I have the opportunity to save a life. I have already investigated when the next donor registration drives in my city will take place, including 2 days later this year at the university where I work.

perfectionism

I hold myself to very high standards, particularly when it comes to my work and my education. It means a lot to me that I do quality work. My perfectionism does not extend to my family and friends usually, except that it is also important to me to be on time. I hate being late, it causes me a great deal of stress. In fact, in many situations, I prefer to arrive much earlier than what is actually necessary, just to avoid the stress. Some of my friends have been subjected to that, and I thank you all for your tolerance. :-)

This week, I deliberately turned in something late for my class.

I did try to get my blog done by Friday at 5 p.m. I did not get the topic until Monday morning and I worked on it on-and-off all week. No procrastination here (though I have been guilty of that in many past courses). I use Word when I'm working on my draft and only publish to the blog when I'm ready. However, I had my brother visiting from Tuesday evening until today. His presence, while welcome, also was a bit distracting in terms of getting my work done.

On top of that, it was actually a very intellectually challenging topic for me. I kept running into mental roadblocks. I took my laptop to work on Friday and worked on it at lunch to try to fit it in before the deadline, and while I did get more accomplished, it was in no way ready to be submitted for a grade.

So, Friday afternoon, I put a note on my blog saying that I did not have it complete and would post it by the end of the weekend. See, we lose 2 pts (out of 10) if we turn it in late, and she absolutely will not accept a post turned in after Sunday. I tried working on it some more on Saturday, but still ran into the same mental blocks.

Finally, late last night, I figured out how I could get around the biggest mental block. I also decided that I would start again from scratch today. I spent a few more hours on it today, using a little bit of what I had previously written, but probably 2/3 was all new. I finally submitted it at 3:30 p.m.

Yes, it is important to me to do things on time. I cannot think of the last time I turned in an assignment late, but it probably dates back to high school or even earlier.

But it is also important to me to do things right. I would rather lose points for timeliness than to lose points for content. Here's hoping I get an 8/10. :-)

Strike Two...

So the other guy I was chatting with suggested on Sunday that we meet Thursday (last night). He usually works evenings but had the day shift yesterday. I wrote back saying that it should work for me as long as he did not mind meeting at 6:30 or 7 as I had something to do immediately after work, and to let me know if that worked.

Nothing.

Whatever.

I'd say "next" but there really isn't anyone who is next in line.

I've got more thoughts about this whole internet personals thing, but I'll save it for a later post. I've still got 2 paid weeks on my subscription (I canceled the automatic renewal) so we'll see if anything transpires.

Strike one...

Went out to meet someone on Monday. Nice guy, I'd have been interested in seeing him again. Alas, no dice. He isn't so interested in me.

Next...

my social calendar

is begging for mercy this week. :-)

here is a scary one...

This just arrived in my personals mailbox from someone who is so new that his profile is still under review. He may have been lurking for a week but he only just joined today. This site tends to approve them quickly.

Hi Angel,
How are you doing? hope you are doing great,if so thanks be to God.. My name is R------,I'm 35yrs and i have been divorced for 7yrs now,and i love kids,and ever since i have been divorced, i have been single and have never been into any other relationship,because of what my Ex did to me.... she really broke my heart,and i promised never to love again... but after the 5yrs i realized i needed to love again and also be loved by someone,so i decided to join this dating site,i'm a new member and i have been on here for a week now.... I was going through a search and found your profile,it really attracted me,and i really must confess to you that,you are such an angel,you are so beautiful,charming,attractive... and i really will love to know more about such an beautiful woman like you... Only Gods creation can be compared to the cutness that i see in you... If i was blind withing my heart your beauty i would still see. If i ever saw an Angel it was in your eyes...
I really wish you have a yahoo instant messenger so we can chat online and get to know more about each other... Mine is xxxxxxxxx its my private Email you can Mail me okay?
Strawberry Kisses and Warm Hugs
R------

Hello? Can we say budding stalker?

I'm not the biggest mush in the world anyway, and this is way beyond what I'd be comfortable hearing from someone unless we had been together for awhile. At least he announced up front that he is creepy.

Next please...

the things I learned today

1. Crazy woman won't be coming back. Yay! Andre (maintenance guy) called the cops on her a few days ago. Apparently she was even crazier around others than she was around me.

2. My class this summer should be fun. Balancing the class and work is going to be tricky though. All my assignments are via blogging, isn't that cool? I have a separate (private) blog for the class, but I may post snippets of my assignments here as I feel inspired.

3. I hate doing self-evaluations for job reviews. OK, so I have known this, but I was reminded today.

4. I am suffering from severe lack of running mojo. Somebody please drag my ass out there!

5. One of my immediate neighbors and his/her partner apparently do not care that the whole neighborhood can hear them having sex on nights nice enough to leave windows open. I could have lived my life without learning how their voices sound when saying "oh! oh! yes!"

What did you learn today?

some dating thoughts

I have had a few guys email me through the personals site this week. I've started conversations with two of them, and we'll see how it goes. One is even a runner whose pace is similar to mine.

Here is another one that came in yesterday (identifying info removed):

Hi, my name is S---. I like your profile and your pic! You're a looker, looks like you have some character! Maybe we could chat sometime, try to get to know each other and see where things go. If you would be interested shoot me a simple e mail back here or catch me on Y IM, my ID there is XXXXXXX. Hope to hear from you, S---

Seriously? People use the word "looker" to describe women still? I have not heard that word in a long time.

I am not going to answer this one. While his photo is attractive enough and there is nothing particularly objectionable in his profile, his message put me off. He clearly has a high priority on the physical traits of a woman and frankly, I'm not sure I measure up to that standard.

Now, I promise I'm not getting down on myself by saying that. As long as I'm not feeling particularly depressed about something, I think I look okay. Some days, I might even think I look pretty. However, I did choose particularly flattering photos for my profile (including the one here on this blog) and they don't show the squishy bits and droopy bits. I'm more girl-next-door than super model, and I'm OK with that. Not sure this guy would be.

I have 2 major anxieties when it comes to re-entering the dating world. One is not something that I will post about in my blog. The other one, though, is how/when to bring up my weight loss with a new guy. During one of my prior forays into the dating thing, I dated a guy for about 6 weeks. I had lost over 100 lbs at that point, but was still right around 200 lbs. I mentioned twice (on different occasions) about having lost "some" weight and the 2nd time he asked me how much I'd lost.

I told him. His response? "Oh." Not in an "Oh, that's great!" tone of voice either.

I took it to mean that he was doing a mental recalculation of me and wasn't sure he liked it. After all, the long term success rate for maintaining weight loss is not that great. I was certain that he was thinking "oh shit, is she gonna get fat on me?" He probably wasn't, but I'll never know for certain because I didn't ask.

I ended things a couple weeks later for other reasons, but his response really stuck with me. I began to fear that other guys would get weird about my weight loss too. When I look at men's profiles, I check to see what their preferences are for body type. Most men list a few of the options as being fine. I have myself listed as average, which is true enough these days. But I have to say, I feel better when I see that the guy has "a few extra pounds" listed as one of their choices.

wtf??

This morning about 3:45 a.m., I heard pounding at my door. What the...??? Got up to peek out the peep hole. I didn't turn on the light because I can see well enough and I wanted to see who is out there before I let on that I'm awake. Looked out the peep hole, but couldn't see anything at all for a second.

The person at the door was covering up the peep hole or something and then stepped back. It was that f'ing crazy chick from 2 Saturdays ago. No way I'm opening the damn door to her at any time of day at this point, much less in the middle of the night. I could tell she also was pounding on my neighbor's door. Then I heard her say "if you fucking people won't help me, fine." She sounded pissed, not distressed or afraid. Then I think she went away, certainly there were no more knocks at the door.

I went back to bed. I was pissed as hell, and thought about calling the cops, but I didn't want to do anything but go back to sleep. I assume she got her ass thrown out the apartment downstairs.

My neighbor is the maintenance dude for the apartment complex. He's my only neighbor I actually know. When I got home from work, I saw him talking to my downstairs neighbor, the guy responsible for crazy woman. He was clearly talking to him about her and her disruptive behavior (apparently there have been complaints from others), and the other guy was apologizing.

Whatever. Her stay with him better damn well be temporary.

another sign of change

I went shopping last Saturday with Kim. While at the mall, we each bought 2 pieces of fancy chocolates, both on the big side. I ate the dark chocolate rocky road that day, half at the mall while drinking a coffee, the other half after dinner.

I just remembered the other piece, some macademia/chocolate coated toffee. It's yummy, I love toffee and the macademia is a unique twist. It is also rich so I don't expect to have more than half, and will save the rest for another day.

5 years ago, I'd have eaten both pieces of chocolate with the coffee.

big steps

So I did 2 things this week that make me nervous but could be positive things for me in the long run.

The first is that I talked to a professor in the Women's Studies Department at the university where I work about the possibility of applying to their M.A. program (to begin fall 2009). I'm not 100% decided that I will do this. I'll have more to say on this in the future, but in general, I have enjoyed the women's studies courses that I have taken and they are the courses that are the most appealing to me for the future. Part of my inspiration has been reading/listening to some of the things that Roo has to say. She is vocal particularly about race and class issues in education but she is clearly sensitive to oppressions of all sorts. She has made me see things that I might never have otherwise seen. Likewise, I like how the women's studies discipline challenges me to take a more critical look at the world around me. Even with my Master of Social Work degree, I tend to take the world too much at face value. So, to help me make up my mind for sure, I am taking a course this summer and another in fall. The fall one in particular will help me finalize my decision one way or the other as it is a senior-level undergrad course in feminist analysis.

The second thing I did was reactivate my online personals ad for the first time in several months. It really is not my preferred method for meeting people, as I have had limited success in the past. Still, it's something active that I can do as far as trying to meet new guys. Sitting around on my couch blogging isn't going to do it for me. :-P I did spruce up my ad and put up new photos, and so far, I've gotten a few messages. Wish me luck that I can find someone who isn't a total creep. :-) And, if I'm lucky enough to meet someone who isn't a total creep, please smack me if I start sabotaging things out of my insecurities.

cherries

I found cherries at The Anderson's yesterday for $1.99/lb. :-)

“When I sound the fairy call, gather here in silent meeting,
Chin to knee on the orchard wall, cooled with dew and cherries eating.
Merry, merry, take a cherry, mine are sounder, mine are rounder,
Mine are sweeter for the eater, when the dews fall, and you'll be fairies all.”

-Emily Dickinson

And the...

award for Miss Whiny-Ass Negativity goes to me.

(rolling eyes)

I need to write more about positive things. Maybe if I write 2 or 3 positive posts for every downer like yesterday's, this blog will be more interesting.

shopping thoughts from Saturday

On Saturday, I was window shopping at Easton Town Center, one of those trendy shopping areas designed to function like downtowns used to do. It was a nice day to walk outside and browse the shops and people watch.

As I was walking around, I kept catching myself with my arms crossed in front of me, and my shoulders hunched forward. Not a posture of confidence or assurance or attractiveness. Added to that was the fact that I was not smiling. I was not in a bad mood, though I wasn't in a particularly happy one either. Unfortunately, my mouth naturally turns down slightly at the corners if I'm not actively smiling, so that I can look bored or unhappy when I'm not.

It bothers me that after all this time, I still need to actively remind myself to walk tall and smile and allow myself to be noticed in a good way. It is almost as if I am still trying to hide myself.

I thought I had accepted that the world does not see Big Fat Girl anymore when they look at me. When I look around in a public place (the mall, a festival, the university where I work), I usually can acknowledge that I do not stick out in the crowd anymore. I may not get "oh wow, look at her" comments that are admiring, but at least I also don't get "oh wow, look at her" comments that are derogatory. And I'd be fooling myself if I tried to believe I didn't get those at 322 lbs.

It is nice to walk into a store as I did on Saturday and have a sales person ask me "can I help you find your size?" as I am browsing the clothing, and to know that she wasn't being snarky but was hoping to score a sale from me. Sad, though, because I have received snarky comments in the past.

Before I started losing weight, I shopped at Lane Bryant, Avenue, Catherines, etc. I nearly grew too fat for Lane Bryant, as they usually went just to size 28W/3X and I already was finding that for some clothes I needed a 30/32W or 4X. A few months ago, I was in Lane Bryant with a friend. While waiting for her to try on clothes, I got into a conversation with one of the sales people and I mentioned something about "when I used to shop here". Her eyes just about bugged out, and she said "you never needed to shop here, did you?" Weird, weird moment.

Anyway, I don't really have any particular insight tonight. I wish I felt more comfortable in my own skin. I wish that I felt attractive to men, so that I could indeed attract someone. Oddly, I don't trust my male friends' opinions because I figure they are biased and I am not convinced that they speak for the general male population.

I know that attitude is key, and I don't have the right attitude at all for this. Clearly, I am my own worst enemy.

Food for Thought

Here's a peek at what various families around the world eat in one week. Fascinating.


Part 1


Part 2

maybe I've finally got it?

I put away my Weight Watcher information today.

Back in Dec 2003, I joined Weight Watchers. I was nervous and nearly chickened out, but I went with a friend. I stuck to it more-or-less faithfully for 3+ years, eventually losing ~160 lbs or right about 1/2 my body weight. Over the past year, however, I stopped really tracking what I'm eating, and just am trying to make good choices overall. The last time I actively counted "points" was 3 months ago, and for at least 6 months before that, I only made half-hearted attempts at recording my food intake.

I never made it to my ultimate goal weight, still being about 12-15 lbs over on any given day. I am not convinced that the healthy weight range (based on BMI) that WW uses is really that valid for someone who has lost as much as I have. I have excess skin that someone who only had to lose 20 lbs would not have. I have extra fat cells as well, because once you have fat cells, they do not go away, they just store less fat in them.

In any case, I find that I am satisfied with where I am currently. I have maintained this same weight, within 2-4 lbs, for over 12 months now, regardless of whether I followed WW or not. I still weigh myself almost every morning, and make adjustments to what I'm eating if I find that I'm creeping up a little. It's far less emotionally taxing than making attempts to lose those last 15 lbs and getting frustrated when I am getting nowhere.

I think I have found my equilibrium. I think I have finally gotten it.

I still have body image issues, getting to that arbitrary goal weight isn't going to fix those. Most of it is mental clutter anyway, and the fact that what I see in the mirror is not always what others around me see. I still need to work on that, those are harder changes than changing my food intake or activity level.

I believe in marriage

and the right for all Americans to be legally married to whomever they want, regardless of sexual orientation.

If you believe the same, sign this petition.

weird day

Woke up around 4 a.m. thanks to drinking extra water last night before bed. After taking care of business and trying to get back to sleep, I realize that the "fire sirens" that I'm hearing don't sound like fire sirens at all. They were kinda faint but steady. My groggy mind realizes that I'm hearing tornado sirens. Turned on the TV. Yep. Not for my county but 2 neighboring counties, both of which are 3-5 miles away from me. I was awake for an hour to be sure that things didn't get too hairy. I live on a top floor (2nd floor) apartment, and on the W-NW corner of the building. Fortunately, things quieted down and I got back to sleep an hour later.

Got up 2 hours later to go for my group run. This was my 1st run since my half-marathon last Sunday. My legs are still recovering, I discovered. I managed to run about 3.5 miles, maybe a little less, and walked the final .25 miles. It was a slow run, and toward the end my knee hurt. And, thanks to the weather last night, it was muggy as hell. Humidity = sucky-ass runs in my experience. Good thing I already planned to take it slow and didn't even bother to take my watch with me. My running route took me within a mile or so of the Memorial Golf Tournament, so I amused myself by guessing which of the people in the passing cars were going to be spectators.

This afternoon, as I was trying to nap, I got a knock at the door. I couldn't really pretend I wasn't here because my window was open and I was lying on the couch. Some woman I never saw before was there, asking how close the nearest store was, because she needed a sandwich and some cigarettes. She told me a confusing story of who she is, but apparently she is the ex-wife of my downstairs neighbor who was at work. She was staying with him she did not have a phone or car with her. I let her use my phone to call him so he could bring her some food and smokes because there are no sidewalks around here and her only pair of shoes were spike heels.
About an hour later, she knocks on my door again, wanting to make a quick call to her BF in Florida. I let her, but stood there while she did it, as I didn't want the phone out of my sight (it was my cell). This woman has serious issues, I was quickly learning. Her ex was due home at 5, thank goodness. He can deal with her. It sounded like she was going to have him drive her somewhere else this evening and I hope he does.

I left for the rest of the afternoon, heading out to Easton (a shopping area in town). I wandered around, nearly buying a CD until I realized I'd left my wallet in my gym bag at home. I had some thoughts while there, but those will be for a different post.

restless

This is the 3rd night in a row that I've been home by or before 6 p.m. Other than Fridays, that's actually pretty unusual for me for a weeknight. Either I'm running or volunteering or something, so I don't usually get home before 7 or 8 or sometimes later.

I don't know what to do with myself after 3 days of being home so early. I have the Indians baseball game on the TV. I've read some magazines, browsed some catalogs that have stacked up, played some games on the computer, viewed my favorite message board.

It's a Friday night, I should be doing something. I can't think of what, however, so I feel restless.

ugh.

dog visit

Tonight at the children's hospital, we had a therapy dog come to visit. Marlo is a beautiful bassett hound and this was her debut as a therapy dog. Her Mommie (as M. calls herself) used to have 2 other therapy dogs who retired 2 years ago, Shy Girl (a retired racing greyhound) and Abby (a German Shepherd mix). Sadly, both Shy Girl and Abby have since died. I remember them both.

Marlo did a good job for her first time. She has just the right personality to be a therapy dog, calm around strangers, doesn't lick or jump up on the children, and totally focused on them. She ignored most of the adults except her Mommie, which is what she is supposed to do.

The kids just loved her. For children who are in the hospital for extended periods of time, they often miss their pets they left at home, and a visit by a therapy dog really can help them feel better.

Marlo made this volunteer feel better too. :-)

No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever.- Francois Mocuriac

I'd been thinking about Ken anyway when I read that quote above a little while ago. Today is the 3rd anniversary of the day he died at the hands of another person.

Ken liked to think of himself as an ambassador. I wish I could remember his exact phrase (ambassador of happiness?), but basically, he saw the best in everyone around them, and tried to get them to see it as well. I have a couple old letters from him, and reread them a little while ago. I wish I still had some of his old e-mails as well. He did everything in his power to get me to believe in myself. I still struggle with that, but I always remember that he believed in me because he told me so, repeatedly. Maybe one of these days, I'll believe him for good.

In Nov 2003, I finally decided that I was at least worth the effort it took to take care of myself, and to try to lose weight to become healthier. I found the courage to try in part because of the encouragement he would always give me, although he never told me to lose weight. On the contrary, he did his best to convince me that I was beautiful and worthy of love no matter what I looked like.

My life took a huge turn in more ways than I can count because of that decision. I have many friends that I'd never have otherwise met. If you know me through DWLZ or running, in an indirect way it is because of him.

That is Ken's forever mark on my life.

SWF

It just occurred to me that I have not been on a date in a year. Much longer since I last kissed a guy.

I suppose I could throw myself a pity party for the anniversary, but that feels like too much work. ;-) Besides, all I need to do is remember that there were good reasons why I stopped dating those last 2 guys. No spark at all with one, I was bored with him by date #3. The other was a life-of-the-party type, but I am convinced he was a functional alcoholic. Uh, no thanks.

It's kind of challenging to meet guys though, particularly if (like me) you aren't into either the bar scene or the internet personals scene. Still, I figure that maybe I'll meet someone through the running group or my job or my other things I do. It's hard to muster up enthusiasm for dating as an end goal, but I have enthusiasm to spare for the other stuff. I'd much rather meet someone through a shared activity, and then if things go the dating direction, great! If not, hey, I've met a potential new friend.

almost summer?

This afternoon, I was off work early and thus had the time for a long run on a weekday. I'm running a 10K race on Saturday, so it was nice to switch up and get 8.25 (ish) miles today.

I ran through a local metropark.

It smelled like summer!

Anyone who grew up in or near the country will know what I mean. It was that warm, grassy, flowery smell that you don't usually have until closer to July in Ohio, and only have outside of city limits.

Spring smells different than summer. This was definitely summer.

Yes, it IS all about me

Here is how I know that I care way too much about what others think of me.

I actually was worried that people would read my Friday post and think "God, is she going on about that again?"

That = lack of confidence, men, etc. All stuff I know I have written about more than once.

Of course I know I was being stupid and I got over it. A blog is inherently an enterprise in self-absorption anyway. Bloggers are either writing about themselves, or about how they view the world. Blog readers know this. In fact, reading blogs is sort of voyeuristic, since they often give you a glimpse of the bloggers private thoughts that you might not otherwise see.

So, welcome to my life. :-)

Six Word Memoir

Who knew Kris could be brief?

I was tagged by Kevin for this blog game. I now tag Becky, Lisa, Kim, Melissa, and Joe.

depressing thought of the day

I think I have mentioned that I like reading essay collections these days. This is my current one in progress. The essays are all written by women 10-20 years older than me, but I see myself in some of their stories.

So I was reading it this evening and one of the essayists wrote the following, as she was describing a series of not-quite relationships with younger men:

"But while our brain love was mutual, our physical chemistry was not. When he had a fling with a mutual friend, it was a reminder to me that most guys in their twenties (and maybe thirties and forties and fifties and sixties) -- no matter how open-minded and sincere and adoring -- when given a choice between a very smart, average-looking woman and a hot woman of average intelligence will be tugged by their dicks toward the latter just about every time."

(Spike Gillespie, "Nothing Like Harold and Maude")

As a very smart, average-looking woman who has trouble meeting men, that particular paragraph hit me like a kick in the stomach.

After my initial reaction, I was able to think of couples I know for whom this is not the case. And even Spike went on to say that she was probably bitter about how that friendship ended.

But I have to admit that there is part of me that believes what she said. Therein lies my real problem, i.e. my self-confidence. I'm smart enough to know that. I just haven't figured out what to do about it so that I no longer lack that self-confidence.

thumbs

Thumbs and car doors do not mix.

Now, as a well-educated woman in her mid 30's, you would think I would already know this. Indeed, I thought I did.

Alas, here is what I did to myself this morning, when I closed my locked car door on my thumb. WARNING: I am only linking that photo rather than posting it directly, because frankly it's gross. I was out of town on business for the day.

Yes. It hurt. I even got a bit light-headed about 30 min later, probably my body coming down from the adrenaline.

It oozed blood all day, so after consulting my mom and brother-in-law (both nurses), I checked my HR website when I got home for urgent care facilities on my insurance plan and headed to the nearest one. I actually got in and out fairly quickly, x-rays and all.

The verdict? I fractured the tip of my thumb. I can't decide if I am surprised or not. I knew it was a possibility, but I expected a fracture to hurt more. My mom and BIL predicted that the doc would actually remove the nail, but he left it on. He said that it is actually protecting the laceration on the nailbed that is causing the bleeding and since the nail is cracked, it is allowing the blood to seep out instead of building up underneath and causing a hematoma that would move the entire nail out of position. I'm glad he did not remove the nail. The thought of that totally skeeves me out.

He did say that I will have a slightly deformed nail on that thumb from now on. Eh. I don't have pretty nails anyway, never did, so I'm not too worried about it.

I got to see my x-rays, and how I basically broke the very tip of the bone clean off. This is only my 2nd ever broken bone, the other being a toe when I was 7. M*A*S*H was on TV at the time, and I loved that show. I begged my mom and the doc to let me see my broken toe on the x-rays and they wouldn't let me. I was so mad, LOL!

So, I'm on antibiotics to prevent infection. I'll start them tonight at 11ish as I have to take them every 8 hrs. An 11p-7a-3p schedule works best for me for that. I also have some prescription pain killer, but I don't really need it right now. I filled the Rx just in case (cost me about $3 anyway) but I'm hoping I won't need it at all.

Here is my thumb with the splint (and a Snoopy bandage):

ducklings

The cutest little fuzzballs are now swimming in Mirror Lake. I saw 3 or 4 today as I ran past, each no bigger than the palm of my hand.

surprise rainbow

I saw this lovely rainbow while driving home after my post-work run. I did not notice any rain in the area, so it took me by complete suprise. A quick check of the weather radar after arriving home showed one tiny rain shower that could have caused this. How lucky I was to be in the right place at the right time to see it. :-)

Earth Day

Tomorrow (April 22) is Earth Day.

This past weekend, my friend Deb was visiting. She makes her living as a naturalist, previously working in outdoor education. So when the question "what are we doing on Sunday?" came up, we decided to look for something to honor Earth Day a little early. The weather was going to be nice, and we wanted to be outdoors.

A Google search for Earth Day events in my area did not yield anything much. Then I had the idea to see what sort of programs my local metro park district was having. Bingo! One of the local parks was having a "Garlic Mustard Pull".

Garlic mustard is an invasive species. It crowds out the native wildflowers, and so the naturalist assigned to that park organized a group activity where volunteers could come and help pull out the plants by hand. This leaves room for the native species to return. There was a group of about 20 people, including one Boy Scout troop and one Girl Scout troop.

After spending about 90 minutes pulling the plants, the naturalist said we were done, so Deb and I continued on the trail and hiked for a total of 1.5 miles.

Here is Deb pulling some of the garlic mustard:

Here are some of the wildflowers we saw:

The trail followed along a creek. I sat at this spot for a little while to listed to the water moving over the rocks. It was very peaceful, but I couldn't stay too long. The ground was damp and my butt got wet.

Later, we saw this little guy and one of his friends. Just your garden variety garter snakes. I used to be terrified of snakes, but now for the most part they don't bother me. We didn't mess with these snakes at all, just watched them, but I'd have held him if we'd picked him up.

I am not a die-hard environmentalist or even a nature girl like Deb. But I do like being outdoors. I grew up camping, and I run in some of the other metroparks on a semi-regular basis. I am considering signing up as a parks volunteer, to help with events and programs like this. I have time to give, and this will get me outside and away from the computer. ;-)