A different sort of exposure

Throughout the years, when people have asked to see before/after photos, I've been pretty careful about which photos I would put out there. I had a few nice photos to from which to choose even when I was at/near my biggest, including this one of me with my friends Lisa and Melanie at Lisa's wedding. This one was always my favorite "before" photo. It wasn't often that I thought I looked pretty, but I always thought that about this photo.




But honestly, most of my photos from the past are unflattering, to put it charitably. Those I generally don't put out there, because in the past they have been triggers for the self-hate that was so hard to keep at bay sometimes.

I came across this photo the other day. I remember the first time I saw it. I was absolutely mortified. I thought I looked hideous.




Today, as I look at it, I don't have such negative feelings about it. Oh, no doubt about it, it's not the most flattering photo of me, but what candids ever are? Still, let me tell you the story of that photo. It was taken on the night of my older brother's wedding rehearsal. My older sister is in the denim dress, and we are speaking to someone I don't know (a relative of my sister-in-law, I imagine). See our expressions? We are smiling.

Two days before, we buried our grandmother after she succumbed to her battle with malignant brain cancer. My brother had to miss the funeral because he had to be in Nebraska for the last minute wedding preparations. For us to be smiling at all, was something of a miracle, after the stress of the funeral and then the travel. I flew from Ohio to the wedding, but most of my family road-tripped it. They literally left the cemetery after the gravesite services and started on the road, arriving in western Nebraska just hours before this photo was taken.

That red shirt I'm wearing? My last gift from my grandmother, given to me the prior Christmas. My mom helped pick it out but buying clothing for us for birthdays and Christmas was my grandmother's trademark. We did not always appreciate it as kids, but I genuinely liked this shirt.

Over the years, I've finally come to realize that my problem during all those years of obesity was less about my body and more about my brain and how I interpreted my world around me. I have worked hard to retrain my brain, to some level of success, though I still have my moments. So, I harbor resentment toward that photo no longer and now I share it with you. (I regret that hairstyle, perhaps, but then I've made many unfortunate choices with my hair over the years, haha!)

Since I brought up the topic of before/after photos, here is the after-losing-160-then-regaining-20 photo. That is the same red shirt as above. The jeans are ones I bought 6 months after the rehearsal dinner photo was taken, because my other jeans were tight. I started WW a few weeks after buying those jeans. As I lost the weight, I donated most of my clothing to charity but held onto the jeans and that red shirt, both in memory of who I had been and, in the case of the red shirt, in memory of my grandmother.



(For the record, yes both of my legs fit into one leg of those jeans now. And the shirt hangs on me even more than is evident in this photo. I suspect both Joe and I could fit into those jeans now with room leftover.)

Think Positive

As I was writing my Exposed post, I got all hyperlink-happy and so was reading through the many old posts on here. I wanted to put in a positive link for the "learning to love myself" phrase but I couldn't find anything that worked. Granted, I've mostly used this space to examine those things that bother me, and when things go well, I'm less likely to blog about it.

Well, I am here to tell you that my life is pretty damn good right now and I'm looking forward to even better things in the coming months. I will make more of an effort to blog about that as well, and live up to the example given by my dear friend Betsy.

So, to kickstart that new mentality and to show that I am actually a pretty positive person overall, here are some more great things about me:

1. I am learning how to bake bread from scratch. My recent 3rd attempt at Cuban Bread from Bernard Clayton's New Complete Book of Breads turned out fabulously!

2. I have been working at my job for 7.5 years and still love it. There are days when I'm tired and sometimes stressed, but never once have I dreaded going in to work. Not only do I enjoy it, but I'm good at it. I earned a promotion on merit a few years ago, and always receive a merit raise above the median for the department.

3. I have pretty eyes. I once had someone describe them as the color of chocolate.

4. I have pin-straight hair that some women dream of having. I used to want naturally curly hair but now I prefer the straight. It's easier to curl my hair than it is for someone with curly hair to make it straight.

5. I love taking photographs and am developing a better eye each time I practice. Someday, I will learn how to use a camera with manual settings and learn to play even more.

6. I am always looking for ways to improve myself, whether it is learning a new skill or developing a new hobby. Am 95% certain I am going to sign up for another class this winter.

7. I am mostly an intuitive thinker but I do have a logical streak in me. It is a big part of why I am so successful in my job.

8. I must be a cool aunt, since my 2 sets of nieces and nephews living in my hometown love when I stay overnight at their house.

9. I try to be generous with my time and finances when possible. I support friends in their fundraising efforts for various causes and I have volunteered at the local children's hospital for over 5 years, when the initial commitment was just for 6 months.

10. My goal is not to be someone else but to be the best ME I can be. When I do that, I have better relationships with others who appreciate who I am well. It makes for a good life. :-)

11. Rumor has it, I'm a pretty good girlfriend. ;-)

What about you? Post something GREAT about yourself in the comments.

Exposed.... sorta

A few days ago, I was introduced to the Exposed movement that began a year ago this month. My friend Melissa mentioned Roni's post on her blog, and that post led me to Mish's original post, and then I read more and more from other women and a few men as well.

I was awed.

You all know me. You know that there are many things I do not like about myself, my body in particular. It's very difficult to change thinking patterns, far more difficult than changing other habits in my experience. Losing 160 lbs (and then regaining 20, heh) was a piece of cake in comparison to learning to love myself.

After seeing what those other women did, I was inspired to do my own Exposed post. I will confess, I originally took and edited a photo in the spirit of the original. But after mulling it over for a few days, I just could not bring myself to put up a photo of me in my bra and panties. Not even my leopard print ones. ;-) Thus, the qualifier in my title for this post. Still, considering there is no way in hell I'd wear this outfit in public, I suppose that counts for something.

This Wednesday, Oct 20, is Love Your Body Day. Men and women constantly receive messages that our bodies are not good enough, and that we must buy this cream or pill or piece of exercise equipment so that we can be better.

Well, for today at least, I AM better. Here's how:





(click photo for a bigger version if the text is too small for you to read easily)

The Audition

*gulp*

"What have I gotten myself into?"

That was pretty much my thought this evening at approximately 6:45 p.m. A few months ago, a casual friend told me about the Dublin Singers, a local community chorus. She had recently auditioned and was accepted and having a good time.

They needed altos.

I sing alto.

I haven't been part of a choir/chorus in a few years since I stopped attending church regularly. I've missed singing. (Church, not so much, but that's a post for another day.)

The tricky part was that in order to join, you have to audition. As in, bring a piece of music and sing in front of the director and be judged on the quality of your voice and whether you can sing well enough to be part of the group. I attended an open rehearsal last week and had so much fun that I scheduled an audition for tonight.

I come from a family with a strong performing arts background, including several (going back a few generations as well) who have degrees in the performing arts. Everyone in my immediate family except my dad has a background in band or theatre or choir or some combination thereof. Many of us have carried this from childhood into adulthood. I am no exception, with band and various vocal experiences in my background (especially church choirs), and a little bit of theatre.

Auditions, however, have always struck a palpable fear into my heart. As a result, the last time I appeared on stage in a theatrical production was in 7th grade. My theatre experience since then has been in the pit orchestra for a couple musicals because no audition is required. Only one time did I ever have to audition for a choral group, and that was a taped audition for a high school music festival. The last audition of any kind I did was in college when I was in university band, and that was only to determine my placement within the horn section.

Why the big deal? I'm not 100% certain but I suspect the fact that I tend to be a perfectionist when it comes to things I enjoy and that I care way too much about what other people think are the primary culprits. I wish I could let such things just roll off my back, but I can't. Not yet anyway.

So. Tonight. I could have auditioned on the spot last week but I had actually forgotten about the audition part and didn't have anything prepared. I went home, took a few looks through my music collection, and last night finally decided on a fairly simple song I knew from my church choir days. It was an easy song in terms of rhythm, but focused a bit on the lower register so I could show my alto range. There were a few tricky intervals, including a full octave interval at a few places. Since the founder/director of the chorus is the Director of Religious Education at a local Catholic Church, I also knew that she would know the song, which would make it easier on me in a lot of ways.

I knew I had nothing to be nervous about, that my voice was good enough and that she needed altos. Still. I was nervous. I ended up having to work late and traffic was bad, so I was running late. That helped me stay calmer than I might have been had I actually had time to think about it today.

The audition began with some warmups where she tested my range and my pitch. Then I sang the song itself. Just the 1st 2 verses and into the refrain. Since the song had harmony written in it, she then had me sing those same verses in the alto harmony while she sang the melody line. I was nervous, and my voice shook a bit when I sang alone (I joked that I only have a vibrato when I'm nervous) but I was more relaxed and sang more strongly when we sang together.

As a side note, I knew about how high I could go (I said D on my application, I actually hit an E) but didn't know how low I could go. I actually hit a full octave below Middle C, which is pretty good even for a lower-toned alto and I'm a higher toned one.

In the end, she complimented various aspects of my singing, especially my range, and had nothing negative to say.

And I'm in. :-)

the new class ring

Last night, Joe and I took a big step forward in our relationship.

We became "Facebook-official".

It's kind of odd, really, that so many people see changing your relationship status on Facebook from Single to In A Relationship as being the true public announcement of the state of your love life. Joe and I have been official in our own eyes since April 1. A few friends and family members knew early on, and we let the rest of our mutual friends know during the 2nd week of June, after our 2nd visit with each other (FYI: long distance relationships can be a bit of a PITA). Two weeks later, and we each mentioned it on our blogs, first him and then me. The remainder of our family members learned through the respective family gossip loops for the most part.

It was a bit disconcerting when at least one person in our social network commented via Facebook back in June that we needed to change our FB status for it to be official. Really? Oh my.

If I had to select a relationship status to describe my interaction with the Facebook platform, it would definitely be It's Complicated. I love to see my friends post photos, and it has become my default photo hosting site as well. I like being able to see snippets of people's lives as revealed through their status updates, although I hide all News Feed posts for the various applications. Sorry, but I do not need to know that you just planted 50 pea plants while playing Farmville (most likely while you were on the clock at work, haha). I have found long-lost friends through Facebook, and while the Facebook interface alone will never bring back the closeness we may have once had, it doesn't mean that I don't care about what happens in their lives.

On the other hand, I have my privacy settings set very high. I am circumspect about what I post there, especially since I am Facebook Friends with some coworkers. I don't have my email or phone # published there. I do not have a link to this blog there.

So why did I want to change my relationship status on Facebook finally? Neither Joe nor I are big attention hogs. Quite the opposite, we both tend to shy away from a lot of intense scrutiny. I think it boils down to the fact that I'm an honest person at heart. I don't consider myself single anymore and it seemed silly to have my status listed as such. It was annoying to be shown ads featuring "Hot 30's Singles In Your Area" (though I suppose we will start being hit with jewelry and flower ads and such now).

Sure, we could have simply removed our relationship status altogether and left it blank. But there is something nice after all about there being a public acknowledgement that you have a special someone. Back in my high school days, it was exchanging class rings. Today, technology dictates something else. The response was immediate: 5 "likes" and 4 comments on my profile alone in the first minute after we changed our status. No lie. Now I am up to 40+ "likes" and 23 comments in the 1st 24 hours, plus Joe has some on his page too.

I guess I gotta keep him now. ;-)

“My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice.” Mitch Hedberg

This past weekend, my younger sisters and I took our niece on her first trip to a casino. She had recently turned 21, and what was once a proposed trip to Las Vegas turned into an afternoon at the Greektown Casino in Detroit. Not as glamorous, perhaps, but a heck of a lot cheaper.

I have been to casinos before: a riverboat casino in Lake Charles, LA; one of the casinos in Windsor, Ontario (before you needed a passport to cross the border); and a Native American casino east of San Diego. There wasn't a lot of variation in the experiences, and frankly, I have found that casinos aren't that enticing as entertainment prospects. I went this time because it was a fun outing with our niece who is really not allowed to be as old as she is. I did have a good time with the girls, and took only as much money as I was willing to lose. I came home empty handed, but the relatively small amount I took with me lasted for several hours. Those penny and two-penny slots are great for stretching out the dollars. ;-)

While I was at the casino, I figured out why I'm just not that into them. I once took a psychology course called "The Psychology of Judgment and Decision-Making". A good portion of the course was spent on gambling (both casino style and playing the stock market) and what factors into a person's decision to take a risk or not. I have a low tolerance for risk of this sort. At a casino, I tend to focus on the near certainty that I will lose whatever money I have played, rather than on whatever odds I might have of actually winning. I also don't trust that I know enough about poker, blackjack, craps, and other games to play them to whatever advantage I can get. Thus, I stick to the video slots, which frankly get pretty boring after awhile.

The other thing I noticed is the constant level of noise. It's an incessant droning sound, with some *bing* *bing* *bing* thrown in for good measure. You can barely hear yourself think, much less hear the person next to you. The noise discourages interaction even between people who know each other. While the casino was not packed, there were several hundred people there, and barely anyone communicating. I saw husbands and wives, where one looked over the other's shoulder, looking and acting like they hadn't spoken a word to each other in hours. Nobody looks each other in the eye, they just stare at the slot machine screen or at the game table.

It was kind of sad, really.

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” - Dr. Seuss

This pretty much sums up my life right now. I think most of you who regularly read my blog's irregular updates already know, but I have indeed found love. Or it found me. Or maybe I just tripped on the sidewalk and fell in it. ;-) Whatever the case, after a couple years of knowing each other and gradually connecting more and more, my friendship with Joe missed that left turn at Albuquerque and landed us somewhere wholly unexpected. But very, very welcome indeed.

rockin' the D

My faithful readers (all 2.5 of you ;-) ) know that I have issues with February. I mentioned that in a few old posts.

This year is a little different. Back in December, I started having sleeping problems. I'd have trouble falling asleep, then often I'd wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to get back to sleep. Even the sleep I was getting was not restful. It finally came to a head in early January when one night was so bad, that I called the doctor's office in the morning and made an appointment for the following day. This was big. I don't go to the doctor for stuff like this.

I had a new doctor, since my former doctor had moved across town to a different office. ( *sigh* He was hot, I'll miss having him as my doc, LOL!) The new doctor is probably around 30, but looks even younger. She listened, asked me a number of questions to rule out restless leg syndrome, sleep apnea, and other potential causes. She also asked about depression and anxiety.

Now, that particular question was timely, because literally the night before, I'd had the most massive anxiety attack of my entire life and still was feeling the effects of it while sitting in her office that late afternoon. So, for the 1st time ever, I talked about my history with both depression and anxiety, something I rarely talk about even with those closest to me. The anxiety had grown more problematic over the past year or so, and in particular was impacting my efforts to re-energize my social/dating life. (An anxiety attack while waiting for a date to pick you up = not cool) However, I told her that I really wanted to avoid the psych meds if at all possible.

I also mentioned that I was pretty certain I'd had SAD (seasonal affective disorder) since at least high school. This little bit of information caught my new doctor's attention. She said that she wanted to test my vitamin D levels in my blood.

Vitamin D?

It turns out, she'd been reading a lot of research that suggests that SAD is not a mood disorder along the lines of clinical depression or generalized anxiety disorder, but is in fact a deficiency of Vitamin D. Since our own bodies produce most of the Vitamin D we need by exposure to sunlight, it makes sense that people don't get enough in the winter months. She then said that many of my other problems, including the sleep and anxiety could also be caused by low Vitamin D. Huh. Sure enough, my blood tests showed I was low. She put me on a once a week megadose of Vitamin D for 12 weeks, then I go back to be retested. I have taken 4 doses so far.

OMG

I cannot tell you how much better I feel. My mood is definitely better than it has been in months. I can deal with work stress much better. I can focus better. I feel less fatigued and I wasn't even aware I was feeling that way. Sleep problems? Pretty much gone. I can even tell when the dose is starting to wear off because I start to feel edgy mood-wise and the fatigue and problems focusing start to creep back. However, each week, I have felt better longer, and I'm hoping that in a few more weeks, I will no longer feel the effects wearing off.

Who'd have thought that a simple vitamin deficiency could cause so much trouble, and be so easy to fix? Take that February! Phhhhbbbbbt!

NOTE: I had started looking into counseling before I knew about the Vit D thing. I am still thinking about doing it, just to help make sure I have my head on straight about certain things. I can be my own worst enemy even when I don't have mood swings.

Sunday afternoon

I find your lack of faith disturbing. sound bite Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope sound bites

Several things today triggered some noodling about my lack of faith in myself. But this sound bite is amusing me at least.

Time to get out for a run

I don't think it broke 20* here today, and while there was a bit of wind, I needed to run. I want to do another half-marathon this spring (#9) and I'm leaning toward one that is May 1, less than 4 months away. I have barely run in the past 2.5 months due to hip issues after my last half-marathon. I have to get back in gear as soon as possible so I can build up easily to lessen my risk of injury this time around.

I also needed to run for another reason. It relaxes me. I feel stronger afterward. It's my "noodling" time (aka thinking time). Many of my deep-thought blog posts of the past were largely composed while I was running. Oh, and the fact that my clothes don't fit me well right now is a little extra motivation.

So, I bundled up. It was cold enough that I needed to wear my fleece hat. The yellow worked with my red shirt, which had yellow lettering, but really I don't care too much about how things match when I run. This has led to some humorous combinations in the past.





I have Raynaud's Disease, which sounds scary but really is mostly just annoying. These gloves by Brooks are awesome. They block the wind, and have a mitten flap that I can pull over my fingers. I wore them closed for about 1/2 the run, though once I was in the woods and the wind blocked, I opened up my fingers because my hands actually got too warm.





I have a running jacket with the logo of my local running store (whose owners are also my coaches when I'm actively training). However, I deemed that I would probably be ok just layering my shirts. The blue one is short sleeve, the others long-sleeve. It was a good choice, I was quite comfortable on my run.






The paths at the park were covered in ice and packed snow. No worries, I have Yak Trax!





And here is where I ran. This is the spur that takes me from the parking area onto the 2.5 mile loop at the north end of Glacier Ridge Metropark. Glacier Ridge is a nice place to run and walk. I also saw several cross-country skiers. You can see the tracks in the photo. I did not take my phone with me on the run, since I had nowhere to store it when I wasn't using it. Had I worn my jacket, I could have put it in the zippered pocket. Oh well. You will just have to imagine what it looked like. I ran through wooded areas and open prairie, so I ran the loop in the opposite direction that I normally do, so that the wind would be at my back if it picked up when I was in the prairie.






Ahhh, now that the run is done, it's time to warm back up. Hot coffee and my new footwarmer. Many many thanks to Nick for that Christmas present, it's been wonderful!










Hmmm... maybe I should've painted my toenails first. ;-)