Adios, Barbie

I am currently reading Adios, Barbie: Young Women Write About Body Image and Identity (Ophira Edut, ed.). I'm curious about how other women perceive themselves, and how they deal with issues of self.

You see, for the past 4 years, I have been on one hell of a ride in terms of who I am and how I perceive myself. On Nov 5, 2003, I weighed 322 lbs. Today I weigh 162, the weight loss a result of dietary changes (via Weight Watchers) and exercise. I want to lose a little more, and stop at around 150 lbs. If it doesn't happen, though, I will be OK with that.

When you read the success stories in magazines or see them on Oprah, there is something that is left out. Nobody tells you that when you lose that much weight, no matter how, it really rocks you to your core. And that wobbly feeling isn't always very comfortable.

I have a lot of ambivalent feelings about my weight loss. I feel much better physically, but I am still working on the mental me. I look like a skinny girl, and the world reacts to me as one. But there is still a fat girl lurking in my head, and that affects my interactions with others. I have to work hard not to let my old assumptions about myself and the world dictate what I choose to do and say.

My identity and sense of self for so long were tied to my weight. Now that the weight is gone, I'm at the "now what?" stage. I've made a lot of changes other than my weight in the past 4 years, and slowly those changes are becoming a part of a familiar me. I am working toward the day when I no longer have to ask "now what?" because I'm already doing it. I want to be like those women who wrote essays for Adios, Barbie, who faced those identity questions head on and found answers that satisfied them.