On my running message board today, someone posed the following question: are you doing what you thought you'd be doing 10 years ago? Are you on track to where you hope to be in 10 years?
My answer basically was that I would never have predicted where I am now. Back then, I was single, overweight, no confidence, and a new social worker. Other than still being single, everything else is different. I then went on to post a link to a photo from 10 years ago (almost to the week). A couple people commented, saying "you are such an inspiration", referring to my weight loss.
I posted the photo because I thought it was funny how goofy I looked back then with my short curly (permed) hair and big glasses. I was even hoping that other people would post photos of how they looked 10 years ago.
I was not fishing for compliments, so when I read them, I was worried that my friends on the board would think "geez, is she posting before/after photos again?" That behind their computer screens, they would be rolling their eyes, and generally think I was being tiresome. That was my initial reaction, anyway. I realized quickly that I was being an idiot and that my friends still like me and (probably) do not think I am a bore.
So I started thinking about why the comments bothered me in the first place. I guess it is because I do not yet know how much I want to be defined by my weight loss. I want to be known as "Kris, the funny/cool/smart/fun woman", not "Kris, the woman who lost 160+ pounds". And yet, I'll never NOT be that 2nd version of Kris, because it is as much of who I am as the 1st version.
I think to some extent, my reactions to life and to people are always going to be influenced by the experiences I had as an obese woman. My reaction today to the compliments was triggered by negative events in my past. It had nothing to do with who my current friends are, or who I am.
I resent that my past continues to have so much of a negative influence over my life. Still, at least now I can usually identify when my initial reaction does not actually fit the current situation. That gives me hope that over time, I'll learn to interpret life without the "fat girl" filter.
3 comments:
Well I think you are the funny/cool/smart/fun woman who lost 160 lbs, how's that! :) I will take Kris 1 and 2 please!
What a great topic. Old habits are hard to break, you'll get there.
Boy now I am going to think about your same questions myself!
um. i *might* have mentioned you to my buddy this weekend.
i said, "dude she has dark hair and glasses...(totally his 'thing') she runs with me. she likes beer and she's wicked cool.
mat said, 'dude yeah, she's cool. i liked her a lot.'
hell... mat thought you were a guy until you rang the doorbell....
Kris
I really only know you as "the funny/cool/smart/fun woman" and there's nothing wrong with that. Although like I said last night in my PM, Im sure you were all those things before too, you probably just didnt show it. I wouldve called you a friend just as quick back then as I do now.
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