why is it that important?

Today at church, I sang a solo. It was a reprise of one I did at Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve, for a song that combines What Child is This? with a solo countermelody called Child of the Poor. It is a beautiful song for an alto voice such as myself.

I was not the original soloist for the song, though I badly wanted to sing it. Another woman in our choir was chosen, and I had to really fight a huge surge of disappointment when it happened. Later that rehearsal, I found myself telling a newer member of our group that I love singing alto, but "a long time ago", I used to sing soprano and even once hit a high B-flat.

All of a sudden, I asked myself "why is it that important?" I sang soprano for perhaps 1-2 years, and have happily sung alto for nearly 20. And yet, I have told that story more than once in recent months, and while I usually tell it to someone new, I know some of my fellow altos had heard it and I imagined them rolling their eyes. I was embarrassed by my making a big deal over something that really wasn't that important at all.

You see, I realized what I was doing. I felt unimportant and unappreciated because I never seem to get chosen for the soloist opportunities for the big events (Christmas and Holy Week). Frankly I was bragging about a past achievement that was no longer even relevant in order to feel better about myself. To feel like I did have some value as a musician. B-flat is a wicked hard note to hit, after all, and maybe 1 or 2 of the sopranos in our group could probably hit it themselves. I drove home that night, and was really upset with myself and felt out-of-sorts for a few days. I wanted to talk to someone about it, but the opportunity never came up.

This kind of bragging over something relatively minor is not a new thing with me. I have caught myself doing it many times in my past. Out of all the faults I have, this is the one that bothers me the most. Once I realize I'm doing it, I never do it again with that specific boast. But eventually it happens again, with another story, another situation. I never seem to realize it until I have said the same story over and over again and sometimes not until someone calls me out on it. It pisses me off to know that I keep falling into that same trap, even while knowing I'm susceptible to it. I imagine at some point in the future, it will happen again. I wish I knew how to keep that from happening, but so far, I haven't figured that out.

So how did I end up with the solo after all? The original soloist, Betsy, lost her mother very suddenly about 4 days before Christmas. I volunteered to prepare as an understudy, in case Betsy was unable to do it herself, which is what happened. I had mixed feelings because I admire Betsy's voice, and in some ways feel like she would have done a better job than I. But while I am sad about the circumstances that led me to singing the solo after all, I can at least say that I am happy that I sang it as well as I could.