perfectionism

I hold myself to very high standards, particularly when it comes to my work and my education. It means a lot to me that I do quality work. My perfectionism does not extend to my family and friends usually, except that it is also important to me to be on time. I hate being late, it causes me a great deal of stress. In fact, in many situations, I prefer to arrive much earlier than what is actually necessary, just to avoid the stress. Some of my friends have been subjected to that, and I thank you all for your tolerance. :-)

This week, I deliberately turned in something late for my class.

I did try to get my blog done by Friday at 5 p.m. I did not get the topic until Monday morning and I worked on it on-and-off all week. No procrastination here (though I have been guilty of that in many past courses). I use Word when I'm working on my draft and only publish to the blog when I'm ready. However, I had my brother visiting from Tuesday evening until today. His presence, while welcome, also was a bit distracting in terms of getting my work done.

On top of that, it was actually a very intellectually challenging topic for me. I kept running into mental roadblocks. I took my laptop to work on Friday and worked on it at lunch to try to fit it in before the deadline, and while I did get more accomplished, it was in no way ready to be submitted for a grade.

So, Friday afternoon, I put a note on my blog saying that I did not have it complete and would post it by the end of the weekend. See, we lose 2 pts (out of 10) if we turn it in late, and she absolutely will not accept a post turned in after Sunday. I tried working on it some more on Saturday, but still ran into the same mental blocks.

Finally, late last night, I figured out how I could get around the biggest mental block. I also decided that I would start again from scratch today. I spent a few more hours on it today, using a little bit of what I had previously written, but probably 2/3 was all new. I finally submitted it at 3:30 p.m.

Yes, it is important to me to do things on time. I cannot think of the last time I turned in an assignment late, but it probably dates back to high school or even earlier.

But it is also important to me to do things right. I would rather lose points for timeliness than to lose points for content. Here's hoping I get an 8/10. :-)

Strike Two...

So the other guy I was chatting with suggested on Sunday that we meet Thursday (last night). He usually works evenings but had the day shift yesterday. I wrote back saying that it should work for me as long as he did not mind meeting at 6:30 or 7 as I had something to do immediately after work, and to let me know if that worked.

Nothing.

Whatever.

I'd say "next" but there really isn't anyone who is next in line.

I've got more thoughts about this whole internet personals thing, but I'll save it for a later post. I've still got 2 paid weeks on my subscription (I canceled the automatic renewal) so we'll see if anything transpires.

Strike one...

Went out to meet someone on Monday. Nice guy, I'd have been interested in seeing him again. Alas, no dice. He isn't so interested in me.

Next...

my social calendar

is begging for mercy this week. :-)

here is a scary one...

This just arrived in my personals mailbox from someone who is so new that his profile is still under review. He may have been lurking for a week but he only just joined today. This site tends to approve them quickly.

Hi Angel,
How are you doing? hope you are doing great,if so thanks be to God.. My name is R------,I'm 35yrs and i have been divorced for 7yrs now,and i love kids,and ever since i have been divorced, i have been single and have never been into any other relationship,because of what my Ex did to me.... she really broke my heart,and i promised never to love again... but after the 5yrs i realized i needed to love again and also be loved by someone,so i decided to join this dating site,i'm a new member and i have been on here for a week now.... I was going through a search and found your profile,it really attracted me,and i really must confess to you that,you are such an angel,you are so beautiful,charming,attractive... and i really will love to know more about such an beautiful woman like you... Only Gods creation can be compared to the cutness that i see in you... If i was blind withing my heart your beauty i would still see. If i ever saw an Angel it was in your eyes...
I really wish you have a yahoo instant messenger so we can chat online and get to know more about each other... Mine is xxxxxxxxx its my private Email you can Mail me okay?
Strawberry Kisses and Warm Hugs
R------

Hello? Can we say budding stalker?

I'm not the biggest mush in the world anyway, and this is way beyond what I'd be comfortable hearing from someone unless we had been together for awhile. At least he announced up front that he is creepy.

Next please...

the things I learned today

1. Crazy woman won't be coming back. Yay! Andre (maintenance guy) called the cops on her a few days ago. Apparently she was even crazier around others than she was around me.

2. My class this summer should be fun. Balancing the class and work is going to be tricky though. All my assignments are via blogging, isn't that cool? I have a separate (private) blog for the class, but I may post snippets of my assignments here as I feel inspired.

3. I hate doing self-evaluations for job reviews. OK, so I have known this, but I was reminded today.

4. I am suffering from severe lack of running mojo. Somebody please drag my ass out there!

5. One of my immediate neighbors and his/her partner apparently do not care that the whole neighborhood can hear them having sex on nights nice enough to leave windows open. I could have lived my life without learning how their voices sound when saying "oh! oh! yes!"

What did you learn today?

some dating thoughts

I have had a few guys email me through the personals site this week. I've started conversations with two of them, and we'll see how it goes. One is even a runner whose pace is similar to mine.

Here is another one that came in yesterday (identifying info removed):

Hi, my name is S---. I like your profile and your pic! You're a looker, looks like you have some character! Maybe we could chat sometime, try to get to know each other and see where things go. If you would be interested shoot me a simple e mail back here or catch me on Y IM, my ID there is XXXXXXX. Hope to hear from you, S---

Seriously? People use the word "looker" to describe women still? I have not heard that word in a long time.

I am not going to answer this one. While his photo is attractive enough and there is nothing particularly objectionable in his profile, his message put me off. He clearly has a high priority on the physical traits of a woman and frankly, I'm not sure I measure up to that standard.

Now, I promise I'm not getting down on myself by saying that. As long as I'm not feeling particularly depressed about something, I think I look okay. Some days, I might even think I look pretty. However, I did choose particularly flattering photos for my profile (including the one here on this blog) and they don't show the squishy bits and droopy bits. I'm more girl-next-door than super model, and I'm OK with that. Not sure this guy would be.

I have 2 major anxieties when it comes to re-entering the dating world. One is not something that I will post about in my blog. The other one, though, is how/when to bring up my weight loss with a new guy. During one of my prior forays into the dating thing, I dated a guy for about 6 weeks. I had lost over 100 lbs at that point, but was still right around 200 lbs. I mentioned twice (on different occasions) about having lost "some" weight and the 2nd time he asked me how much I'd lost.

I told him. His response? "Oh." Not in an "Oh, that's great!" tone of voice either.

I took it to mean that he was doing a mental recalculation of me and wasn't sure he liked it. After all, the long term success rate for maintaining weight loss is not that great. I was certain that he was thinking "oh shit, is she gonna get fat on me?" He probably wasn't, but I'll never know for certain because I didn't ask.

I ended things a couple weeks later for other reasons, but his response really stuck with me. I began to fear that other guys would get weird about my weight loss too. When I look at men's profiles, I check to see what their preferences are for body type. Most men list a few of the options as being fine. I have myself listed as average, which is true enough these days. But I have to say, I feel better when I see that the guy has "a few extra pounds" listed as one of their choices.

wtf??

This morning about 3:45 a.m., I heard pounding at my door. What the...??? Got up to peek out the peep hole. I didn't turn on the light because I can see well enough and I wanted to see who is out there before I let on that I'm awake. Looked out the peep hole, but couldn't see anything at all for a second.

The person at the door was covering up the peep hole or something and then stepped back. It was that f'ing crazy chick from 2 Saturdays ago. No way I'm opening the damn door to her at any time of day at this point, much less in the middle of the night. I could tell she also was pounding on my neighbor's door. Then I heard her say "if you fucking people won't help me, fine." She sounded pissed, not distressed or afraid. Then I think she went away, certainly there were no more knocks at the door.

I went back to bed. I was pissed as hell, and thought about calling the cops, but I didn't want to do anything but go back to sleep. I assume she got her ass thrown out the apartment downstairs.

My neighbor is the maintenance dude for the apartment complex. He's my only neighbor I actually know. When I got home from work, I saw him talking to my downstairs neighbor, the guy responsible for crazy woman. He was clearly talking to him about her and her disruptive behavior (apparently there have been complaints from others), and the other guy was apologizing.

Whatever. Her stay with him better damn well be temporary.

another sign of change

I went shopping last Saturday with Kim. While at the mall, we each bought 2 pieces of fancy chocolates, both on the big side. I ate the dark chocolate rocky road that day, half at the mall while drinking a coffee, the other half after dinner.

I just remembered the other piece, some macademia/chocolate coated toffee. It's yummy, I love toffee and the macademia is a unique twist. It is also rich so I don't expect to have more than half, and will save the rest for another day.

5 years ago, I'd have eaten both pieces of chocolate with the coffee.

big steps

So I did 2 things this week that make me nervous but could be positive things for me in the long run.

The first is that I talked to a professor in the Women's Studies Department at the university where I work about the possibility of applying to their M.A. program (to begin fall 2009). I'm not 100% decided that I will do this. I'll have more to say on this in the future, but in general, I have enjoyed the women's studies courses that I have taken and they are the courses that are the most appealing to me for the future. Part of my inspiration has been reading/listening to some of the things that Roo has to say. She is vocal particularly about race and class issues in education but she is clearly sensitive to oppressions of all sorts. She has made me see things that I might never have otherwise seen. Likewise, I like how the women's studies discipline challenges me to take a more critical look at the world around me. Even with my Master of Social Work degree, I tend to take the world too much at face value. So, to help me make up my mind for sure, I am taking a course this summer and another in fall. The fall one in particular will help me finalize my decision one way or the other as it is a senior-level undergrad course in feminist analysis.

The second thing I did was reactivate my online personals ad for the first time in several months. It really is not my preferred method for meeting people, as I have had limited success in the past. Still, it's something active that I can do as far as trying to meet new guys. Sitting around on my couch blogging isn't going to do it for me. :-P I did spruce up my ad and put up new photos, and so far, I've gotten a few messages. Wish me luck that I can find someone who isn't a total creep. :-) And, if I'm lucky enough to meet someone who isn't a total creep, please smack me if I start sabotaging things out of my insecurities.

cherries

I found cherries at The Anderson's yesterday for $1.99/lb. :-)

“When I sound the fairy call, gather here in silent meeting,
Chin to knee on the orchard wall, cooled with dew and cherries eating.
Merry, merry, take a cherry, mine are sounder, mine are rounder,
Mine are sweeter for the eater, when the dews fall, and you'll be fairies all.”

-Emily Dickinson

And the...

award for Miss Whiny-Ass Negativity goes to me.

(rolling eyes)

I need to write more about positive things. Maybe if I write 2 or 3 positive posts for every downer like yesterday's, this blog will be more interesting.

shopping thoughts from Saturday

On Saturday, I was window shopping at Easton Town Center, one of those trendy shopping areas designed to function like downtowns used to do. It was a nice day to walk outside and browse the shops and people watch.

As I was walking around, I kept catching myself with my arms crossed in front of me, and my shoulders hunched forward. Not a posture of confidence or assurance or attractiveness. Added to that was the fact that I was not smiling. I was not in a bad mood, though I wasn't in a particularly happy one either. Unfortunately, my mouth naturally turns down slightly at the corners if I'm not actively smiling, so that I can look bored or unhappy when I'm not.

It bothers me that after all this time, I still need to actively remind myself to walk tall and smile and allow myself to be noticed in a good way. It is almost as if I am still trying to hide myself.

I thought I had accepted that the world does not see Big Fat Girl anymore when they look at me. When I look around in a public place (the mall, a festival, the university where I work), I usually can acknowledge that I do not stick out in the crowd anymore. I may not get "oh wow, look at her" comments that are admiring, but at least I also don't get "oh wow, look at her" comments that are derogatory. And I'd be fooling myself if I tried to believe I didn't get those at 322 lbs.

It is nice to walk into a store as I did on Saturday and have a sales person ask me "can I help you find your size?" as I am browsing the clothing, and to know that she wasn't being snarky but was hoping to score a sale from me. Sad, though, because I have received snarky comments in the past.

Before I started losing weight, I shopped at Lane Bryant, Avenue, Catherines, etc. I nearly grew too fat for Lane Bryant, as they usually went just to size 28W/3X and I already was finding that for some clothes I needed a 30/32W or 4X. A few months ago, I was in Lane Bryant with a friend. While waiting for her to try on clothes, I got into a conversation with one of the sales people and I mentioned something about "when I used to shop here". Her eyes just about bugged out, and she said "you never needed to shop here, did you?" Weird, weird moment.

Anyway, I don't really have any particular insight tonight. I wish I felt more comfortable in my own skin. I wish that I felt attractive to men, so that I could indeed attract someone. Oddly, I don't trust my male friends' opinions because I figure they are biased and I am not convinced that they speak for the general male population.

I know that attitude is key, and I don't have the right attitude at all for this. Clearly, I am my own worst enemy.

Food for Thought

Here's a peek at what various families around the world eat in one week. Fascinating.


Part 1


Part 2

maybe I've finally got it?

I put away my Weight Watcher information today.

Back in Dec 2003, I joined Weight Watchers. I was nervous and nearly chickened out, but I went with a friend. I stuck to it more-or-less faithfully for 3+ years, eventually losing ~160 lbs or right about 1/2 my body weight. Over the past year, however, I stopped really tracking what I'm eating, and just am trying to make good choices overall. The last time I actively counted "points" was 3 months ago, and for at least 6 months before that, I only made half-hearted attempts at recording my food intake.

I never made it to my ultimate goal weight, still being about 12-15 lbs over on any given day. I am not convinced that the healthy weight range (based on BMI) that WW uses is really that valid for someone who has lost as much as I have. I have excess skin that someone who only had to lose 20 lbs would not have. I have extra fat cells as well, because once you have fat cells, they do not go away, they just store less fat in them.

In any case, I find that I am satisfied with where I am currently. I have maintained this same weight, within 2-4 lbs, for over 12 months now, regardless of whether I followed WW or not. I still weigh myself almost every morning, and make adjustments to what I'm eating if I find that I'm creeping up a little. It's far less emotionally taxing than making attempts to lose those last 15 lbs and getting frustrated when I am getting nowhere.

I think I have found my equilibrium. I think I have finally gotten it.

I still have body image issues, getting to that arbitrary goal weight isn't going to fix those. Most of it is mental clutter anyway, and the fact that what I see in the mirror is not always what others around me see. I still need to work on that, those are harder changes than changing my food intake or activity level.