On Saturday, I was window shopping at Easton Town Center, one of those trendy shopping areas designed to function like downtowns used to do. It was a nice day to walk outside and browse the shops and people watch.
As I was walking around, I kept catching myself with my arms crossed in front of me, and my shoulders hunched forward. Not a posture of confidence or assurance or attractiveness. Added to that was the fact that I was not smiling. I was not in a bad mood, though I wasn't in a particularly happy one either. Unfortunately, my mouth naturally turns down slightly at the corners if I'm not actively smiling, so that I can look bored or unhappy when I'm not.
It bothers me that after all this time, I still need to actively remind myself to walk tall and smile and allow myself to be noticed in a good way. It is almost as if I am still trying to hide myself.
I thought I had accepted that the world does not see Big Fat Girl anymore when they look at me. When I look around in a public place (the mall, a festival, the university where I work), I usually can acknowledge that I do not stick out in the crowd anymore. I may not get "oh wow, look at her" comments that are admiring, but at least I also don't get "oh wow, look at her" comments that are derogatory. And I'd be fooling myself if I tried to believe I didn't get those at 322 lbs.
It is nice to walk into a store as I did on Saturday and have a sales person ask me "can I help you find your size?" as I am browsing the clothing, and to know that she wasn't being snarky but was hoping to score a sale from me. Sad, though, because I have received snarky comments in the past.
Before I started losing weight, I shopped at Lane Bryant, Avenue, Catherines, etc. I nearly grew too fat for Lane Bryant, as they usually went just to size 28W/3X and I already was finding that for some clothes I needed a 30/32W or 4X. A few months ago, I was in Lane Bryant with a friend. While waiting for her to try on clothes, I got into a conversation with one of the sales people and I mentioned something about "when I used to shop here". Her eyes just about bugged out, and she said "you never needed to shop here, did you?" Weird, weird moment.
Anyway, I don't really have any particular insight tonight. I wish I felt more comfortable in my own skin. I wish that I felt attractive to men, so that I could indeed attract someone. Oddly, I don't trust my male friends' opinions because I figure they are biased and I am not convinced that they speak for the general male population.
I know that attitude is key, and I don't have the right attitude at all for this. Clearly, I am my own worst enemy.
4 comments:
Have you thought about a makeover? Nothing drastic, maybe a change in hairstyle, get your makeup done? I know you're really not into much makeup but maybe a fresh look is something you need. Accentuate your positives because you have many. I can hook you up with an inexpensive great beautician. Let me know.
um. kris. there's a reason girls typically go places together. i mean, ok... i go by myself but i'm just enough of a rat to not give a fuck.
going places like that is a big deal by yourself. some people don't go at all if they can't find anyone to go with them.
and HULLO... you could call me. :D
or text me.... :D
also. weird my ass. that sales lady was rude.
You had years of being that bigger person and feeling that year. You've only been the healthy person you are now for a short time. Even though you are the same person, it takes time to get used to the healthier you. I'm sure you know it's all mental and I hope that one day you truly believe that you are the beautiful person inside and out that we all know you are.
Wow that was sappy but I meant it LOL
Shortly after I moved to Monroe, there was a special anniversary section for The Monroe Evening News where a photo of every employee was included.
My press photo in January 2000 shows a nicely dressed woman, curly hair, big glasses, weighing about 200 pounds. Despite being taken when I weighed a lot, it's actually one of the nicer press photos of me over the years.
A couple of weeks ago, a retiree was stopping by the office. He moved back to town a couple of years ago and we've crossed paths a few times. For some reason, he had a copy of the anniversary tab (he's a focus group member now, I think he brought it for show and tell to the new people).
And he kidded around "I was looking for Paula Wethington, but I can't find her."
Well there were other visitors in the lobby, and I was in the middle of something else, so I didn't want to get into detailed story. I just laughed and said "yes that is one of my better press photos. But I don't look a thing like that anymore."
and went back to what I was doing.
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