A different sort of exposure

Throughout the years, when people have asked to see before/after photos, I've been pretty careful about which photos I would put out there. I had a few nice photos to from which to choose even when I was at/near my biggest, including this one of me with my friends Lisa and Melanie at Lisa's wedding. This one was always my favorite "before" photo. It wasn't often that I thought I looked pretty, but I always thought that about this photo.




But honestly, most of my photos from the past are unflattering, to put it charitably. Those I generally don't put out there, because in the past they have been triggers for the self-hate that was so hard to keep at bay sometimes.

I came across this photo the other day. I remember the first time I saw it. I was absolutely mortified. I thought I looked hideous.




Today, as I look at it, I don't have such negative feelings about it. Oh, no doubt about it, it's not the most flattering photo of me, but what candids ever are? Still, let me tell you the story of that photo. It was taken on the night of my older brother's wedding rehearsal. My older sister is in the denim dress, and we are speaking to someone I don't know (a relative of my sister-in-law, I imagine). See our expressions? We are smiling.

Two days before, we buried our grandmother after she succumbed to her battle with malignant brain cancer. My brother had to miss the funeral because he had to be in Nebraska for the last minute wedding preparations. For us to be smiling at all, was something of a miracle, after the stress of the funeral and then the travel. I flew from Ohio to the wedding, but most of my family road-tripped it. They literally left the cemetery after the gravesite services and started on the road, arriving in western Nebraska just hours before this photo was taken.

That red shirt I'm wearing? My last gift from my grandmother, given to me the prior Christmas. My mom helped pick it out but buying clothing for us for birthdays and Christmas was my grandmother's trademark. We did not always appreciate it as kids, but I genuinely liked this shirt.

Over the years, I've finally come to realize that my problem during all those years of obesity was less about my body and more about my brain and how I interpreted my world around me. I have worked hard to retrain my brain, to some level of success, though I still have my moments. So, I harbor resentment toward that photo no longer and now I share it with you. (I regret that hairstyle, perhaps, but then I've made many unfortunate choices with my hair over the years, haha!)

Since I brought up the topic of before/after photos, here is the after-losing-160-then-regaining-20 photo. That is the same red shirt as above. The jeans are ones I bought 6 months after the rehearsal dinner photo was taken, because my other jeans were tight. I started WW a few weeks after buying those jeans. As I lost the weight, I donated most of my clothing to charity but held onto the jeans and that red shirt, both in memory of who I had been and, in the case of the red shirt, in memory of my grandmother.



(For the record, yes both of my legs fit into one leg of those jeans now. And the shirt hangs on me even more than is evident in this photo. I suspect both Joe and I could fit into those jeans now with room leftover.)

Think Positive

As I was writing my Exposed post, I got all hyperlink-happy and so was reading through the many old posts on here. I wanted to put in a positive link for the "learning to love myself" phrase but I couldn't find anything that worked. Granted, I've mostly used this space to examine those things that bother me, and when things go well, I'm less likely to blog about it.

Well, I am here to tell you that my life is pretty damn good right now and I'm looking forward to even better things in the coming months. I will make more of an effort to blog about that as well, and live up to the example given by my dear friend Betsy.

So, to kickstart that new mentality and to show that I am actually a pretty positive person overall, here are some more great things about me:

1. I am learning how to bake bread from scratch. My recent 3rd attempt at Cuban Bread from Bernard Clayton's New Complete Book of Breads turned out fabulously!

2. I have been working at my job for 7.5 years and still love it. There are days when I'm tired and sometimes stressed, but never once have I dreaded going in to work. Not only do I enjoy it, but I'm good at it. I earned a promotion on merit a few years ago, and always receive a merit raise above the median for the department.

3. I have pretty eyes. I once had someone describe them as the color of chocolate.

4. I have pin-straight hair that some women dream of having. I used to want naturally curly hair but now I prefer the straight. It's easier to curl my hair than it is for someone with curly hair to make it straight.

5. I love taking photographs and am developing a better eye each time I practice. Someday, I will learn how to use a camera with manual settings and learn to play even more.

6. I am always looking for ways to improve myself, whether it is learning a new skill or developing a new hobby. Am 95% certain I am going to sign up for another class this winter.

7. I am mostly an intuitive thinker but I do have a logical streak in me. It is a big part of why I am so successful in my job.

8. I must be a cool aunt, since my 2 sets of nieces and nephews living in my hometown love when I stay overnight at their house.

9. I try to be generous with my time and finances when possible. I support friends in their fundraising efforts for various causes and I have volunteered at the local children's hospital for over 5 years, when the initial commitment was just for 6 months.

10. My goal is not to be someone else but to be the best ME I can be. When I do that, I have better relationships with others who appreciate who I am well. It makes for a good life. :-)

11. Rumor has it, I'm a pretty good girlfriend. ;-)

What about you? Post something GREAT about yourself in the comments.

Exposed.... sorta

A few days ago, I was introduced to the Exposed movement that began a year ago this month. My friend Melissa mentioned Roni's post on her blog, and that post led me to Mish's original post, and then I read more and more from other women and a few men as well.

I was awed.

You all know me. You know that there are many things I do not like about myself, my body in particular. It's very difficult to change thinking patterns, far more difficult than changing other habits in my experience. Losing 160 lbs (and then regaining 20, heh) was a piece of cake in comparison to learning to love myself.

After seeing what those other women did, I was inspired to do my own Exposed post. I will confess, I originally took and edited a photo in the spirit of the original. But after mulling it over for a few days, I just could not bring myself to put up a photo of me in my bra and panties. Not even my leopard print ones. ;-) Thus, the qualifier in my title for this post. Still, considering there is no way in hell I'd wear this outfit in public, I suppose that counts for something.

This Wednesday, Oct 20, is Love Your Body Day. Men and women constantly receive messages that our bodies are not good enough, and that we must buy this cream or pill or piece of exercise equipment so that we can be better.

Well, for today at least, I AM better. Here's how:





(click photo for a bigger version if the text is too small for you to read easily)