A different sort of exposure

Throughout the years, when people have asked to see before/after photos, I've been pretty careful about which photos I would put out there. I had a few nice photos to from which to choose even when I was at/near my biggest, including this one of me with my friends Lisa and Melanie at Lisa's wedding. This one was always my favorite "before" photo. It wasn't often that I thought I looked pretty, but I always thought that about this photo.




But honestly, most of my photos from the past are unflattering, to put it charitably. Those I generally don't put out there, because in the past they have been triggers for the self-hate that was so hard to keep at bay sometimes.

I came across this photo the other day. I remember the first time I saw it. I was absolutely mortified. I thought I looked hideous.




Today, as I look at it, I don't have such negative feelings about it. Oh, no doubt about it, it's not the most flattering photo of me, but what candids ever are? Still, let me tell you the story of that photo. It was taken on the night of my older brother's wedding rehearsal. My older sister is in the denim dress, and we are speaking to someone I don't know (a relative of my sister-in-law, I imagine). See our expressions? We are smiling.

Two days before, we buried our grandmother after she succumbed to her battle with malignant brain cancer. My brother had to miss the funeral because he had to be in Nebraska for the last minute wedding preparations. For us to be smiling at all, was something of a miracle, after the stress of the funeral and then the travel. I flew from Ohio to the wedding, but most of my family road-tripped it. They literally left the cemetery after the gravesite services and started on the road, arriving in western Nebraska just hours before this photo was taken.

That red shirt I'm wearing? My last gift from my grandmother, given to me the prior Christmas. My mom helped pick it out but buying clothing for us for birthdays and Christmas was my grandmother's trademark. We did not always appreciate it as kids, but I genuinely liked this shirt.

Over the years, I've finally come to realize that my problem during all those years of obesity was less about my body and more about my brain and how I interpreted my world around me. I have worked hard to retrain my brain, to some level of success, though I still have my moments. So, I harbor resentment toward that photo no longer and now I share it with you. (I regret that hairstyle, perhaps, but then I've made many unfortunate choices with my hair over the years, haha!)

Since I brought up the topic of before/after photos, here is the after-losing-160-then-regaining-20 photo. That is the same red shirt as above. The jeans are ones I bought 6 months after the rehearsal dinner photo was taken, because my other jeans were tight. I started WW a few weeks after buying those jeans. As I lost the weight, I donated most of my clothing to charity but held onto the jeans and that red shirt, both in memory of who I had been and, in the case of the red shirt, in memory of my grandmother.



(For the record, yes both of my legs fit into one leg of those jeans now. And the shirt hangs on me even more than is evident in this photo. I suspect both Joe and I could fit into those jeans now with room leftover.)