depressing thought of the day

I think I have mentioned that I like reading essay collections these days. This is my current one in progress. The essays are all written by women 10-20 years older than me, but I see myself in some of their stories.

So I was reading it this evening and one of the essayists wrote the following, as she was describing a series of not-quite relationships with younger men:

"But while our brain love was mutual, our physical chemistry was not. When he had a fling with a mutual friend, it was a reminder to me that most guys in their twenties (and maybe thirties and forties and fifties and sixties) -- no matter how open-minded and sincere and adoring -- when given a choice between a very smart, average-looking woman and a hot woman of average intelligence will be tugged by their dicks toward the latter just about every time."

(Spike Gillespie, "Nothing Like Harold and Maude")

As a very smart, average-looking woman who has trouble meeting men, that particular paragraph hit me like a kick in the stomach.

After my initial reaction, I was able to think of couples I know for whom this is not the case. And even Spike went on to say that she was probably bitter about how that friendship ended.

But I have to admit that there is part of me that believes what she said. Therein lies my real problem, i.e. my self-confidence. I'm smart enough to know that. I just haven't figured out what to do about it so that I no longer lack that self-confidence.