Earlier this afternoon, I was browsing through my local Barnes & Noble bookstore. In this particular location, there is a central aisle (with an info counter halfway up) where they have tables with books centering on certain themes.
Closest to the door of the store were the diet how-to books, not a big surprise given that we are just past the New Year, and then the next couple tables were sales, new releases etc. After the information desk, the next couple tables caught my eye. First was a table with memoirs written by women who had successfully lost weight and (at the time of the writing of the book anyway) kept it off. Next was the table with the wedding planners and other wedding themed books. Then was the table with the baby and pregnancy books.
It struck me how the weight loss -> relationship/marriage -> baby progression related to some of my expectations 5 years ago. When I started losing weight, it truly was my intent to focus on my health. I did not want to fall into the trap of believing that losing weight would automatically lead to finding a good man (not perfect... I don't believe in perfect) and settling down. Then and now, I believed that attitude counted more than looks when it came to being attractive to men. Heck, a positive, cheerful person automatically becomes more attractive whereas a negative, sad-sack automatically becomes less attractive. Still, I'd be lying if I said that didn't harbor some hopes that as I lost weight, I'd make some progress in my romantic life, which at that point had been essentially stalled out for 10 years or so.
Well, unlike the tables at the bookstore, progressions like that in real life are not so linear and straightforward. I found that for me, it was easier to lose the physical weight than it was to lose the psychological weight. I have made some progress in the dating area in the past 5 years, but not as much as I thought I might. Sometimes I feel like I take 2 steps forward then 1 step back. Or sideways. Or diagonal. Or spinning in circles.
On good days, I feel really positive about getting into the dating game, but as often as not, I'm pretty gun shy. This ambivalence is a bit of a road block, but maybe in the long run it's not so bad. I would not want to jump into a bad relationship thinking it's better than nothing at all. I just hope that it doesn't keep me from trying out a relationship that could be very good.
5 comments:
that progression of books says a lot about expectations for happiness and the future for women, too.
note that there weren't weight loss and girl runner books or investment stuff.
you see where i'm going with this. agitating really.
and otherwise...you're doing a good job of figuring out who you want to be and are (since you've already decided how you want to be and are). all other things will fall into place.
In the first draft of my post, I started to say "I don't know if the arrangement of the tables was deliberate" but then I realized that it was for the same reasons that you are agitating about.
Thanks for the boost of confidence. :)
Kris, I think you're a remarkable person (and I know I'm not alone). You are completely right that jumping into a bad relationship just to be in a relationship is a bad idea. After a string of really bad relationships, I finally got to the point where I said, "You know what? I'd rather be alone than be with someone but unhappy."
Don't put pressure on yourself. If someone seems nice, go for it. If not, no big deal. Your life is pretty busy and complete and happy as it is, right? I have confidence that you'll find someone who enhances it. xoxox
I couldn't agree more with what Doctor Err said. I was also struck me by the fact that all of the books were pointed toward women and not men as well. It just reinforces all the crap that society tries to put on women that the only way to be happy is by being in a relationship and having babies. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with either of those things, but they aren't the be-all and end-all way to happiness either, IMO.
As Theia said, you absolutely are a remarkable woman! As someone who has far too much first-hand knowledge, believe me, it's definitely better to be in no relationship than a bad one.
{{Hugs}}
The perfect man?? I don't believe in the perfect man.
I believe in the perfect man for me. That's a big difference.
You've really come a long way - the rest will fall into place when you least expect it.....
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